Oddbean

people of nostr, i need some personal advice please. throwaway npub. i’m a 43 yo male. i’ve wanted to start a family since i was 25, but haven’t found someone i wanted to take that leap with… until my last girlfriend. we were together for 18 months, a long distance relationship but we saw each pretty much other every 2 to 3 weeks. it was incredible. and we both felt that way. i told her i wanted to marry her after 3 months (maybe a mistake to say? but she says she loved hearing it), and we were on the same page about having 4-5 kids. so what happened? a couple months after i suggested we move in together when her lease ended, which required me moving 3 hours away and uprooting my whole life — but i was eager to do it for her, she broke up with me. then she asked to get back together after 3 days. then we broke up for a month. then back together for a month. etc etc. so it was on-again-off-again for the last 5 months. we ended things officially a few weeks ago. i still love her and she tells me she will always love me, but that she won’t be ready for a family for several years (she’s only 27) and that’s unfair to me when she knows how much i want that now. i offered to wait it out but that, i guess, doesn’t work. so i am in the process of getting over her. i’m doing the things i need to do: i built a gym in my basement and have been throwing around heavy things, i’ve been taking care of myself and doing things that i like doing. i feel great physically and mostly great mentally. (i get sad thinking about losing her still) i have been going on dates (like i did every time we were separated). i know time will heal this very deep wound. but i still want to fulfill my life goals of building a family with someone amazing. it’s just… where the heck am i supposed to meet her? i’m not a religious person, so going to church would be phony for me. i am an avid runner and meet girls at running clubs … but they seem to be her age or younger and i don’t think that age/lifestage is going to work anymore for me. the dating apps are horrendous, full of cliches (i setup dates semi-easily on them but they whole process is frustrating and zaps my will to keep looking on them). i’m in the process of setting up a 4 month trip overseas for this winter to escape my daily routine. to reset my psyche. and to get out of my own head. but the fear of aging myself out of this lifegoal is very real and very sad to me. my buddy asked me before this last girlfriend, “was there ‘one that got away’ from the past girls you dated?” and after much reflection, i really don’t think so. i learned from those relationships what i value most. but i didn’t see any of them as the mother of my children. (is that weird to say?) if the bar is this past girlfriend and how she made me feel, everyone else was so far below it. i just feel lost. any advice would greatly be appreciated. not sure this note will get any traction posting it anon. thanks nostr!

One thing that comes to mind when I’m hearing about your story is that you are essentially making this woman the center of your universe and instead of focusing on your goals and your purpose in life, you’re thinking about how to please her. she’s preoccupying all of your thoughts and all of your desires and you were thinking about her instead of to yourself you’re thinking about what she wants instead of what you want you’re thinking about and moving your life around how to make things convenient for her rather than Thinking about how does this relationship serve goals and my aspirations for life, professional life or prodigy and continuing your bloodline. When a woman can see that she’s the center of your world it gives her great anxiety. It increases her anxiety because she already lives in an uncertain and volatile emotional world that is full of ups and downs and uncertainty. her biology makes her weak and unable to defend herself, even bleeding once a month during her menstrual cycles. On top of all of that, if she were to bare your child, she would be helpless and unable to defend herself or provide for herself for a year plus with pregnancy and caring for an infant child. Because of that she’s looking for a man who is superior to her and all respects and is concerned with his own strength, well-being and Direction in life. She’s looking for that because that’s what she is naturally attracted to. Often times women will say things that are not necessarily aligned with what her actions actually show. For instance, she might say that she loved it that you said you wanted to marry her after three months, but in reality that may signal weakness and neediness on your side showing that she was your best option, and thus hypergamy was not satisfied. Hypergamy is simply the fact that women are going to be attracted to men who are of a higher sexual market value than them. That means that a woman is going to be most attracted to a man who she knows is desired by women who are as attractive or more attractive than her. I think that what you’re dealing with is very common in this day and age and Im engaged with helping guys like you get this area of their life handled. If we dont properly generate attraction and genuine desire in the women we are with, they will cheat, leave, or poison drip the relationship. Happy to chat more if you’re interested.

Hey @Jon, I need some time to digest this. But thank you immensely for taking the time to reply. I will write back after I have processed it. My gut reaction is, yes, of course she was the center of my universe. I was ready to marry her and start a family with her. Why wouldn't she be? I wanted to make her happy in every way that I possibly could. My head cannot wrap around that being an unattractive thing. I can afford the large family we both wanted. I could afford to let her be a SAH mom if she wanted it -- and when she said she would always want a career as well as motherhood, I said I would love to be a SAH dad and support her career -- and i already have the nest egg to be able to do that. You write some heavy words that I need to let digest. Thank you.

Agree. If she's the main thing you're about, she'll get bored. Find a bigger thing--the right one will catch that passion, and want to walk beside you, and pursue that bigger thing together. At least, in my experience. Met my wife (at church) when I was actually trying not to...

Feel ya. Been there. But, then you do move on. It hurts less. Next thing ya know … ya meet your wife have three kids and 26 years pass. If it ain’t flowing…move on. That is a nasty gut feeling when relationships are sticky. Listen to that. The only tools we have in this 🌎 are: ❤️ Heart 🧠 Head 🤮 Gut You got this🤙

Aww. Sending hugs. 🫂 Your wife is out here someone. Just focus on the things you love to do and you’ll meet her one day. You’re not too old. You could live to be 115 😉 Tip: Don’t stress about it and live life to the fullest. It’ll happen when you least expect it. ❤️

Give my mans some advice here y'all. nostr:nevent1qqs0s75dvh0xyns2we2txrvpkfe4gajlunej2ur837gun2ae6swp80qpr4mhxue69uhkummnw3ezucnfw33k76twv4ezuum0vd5kzmp0qgs2dcpesftc6pgch63jk9t4grxnth5c0kcxnhhjj6np4erca5fafwqrqsqqqqqpx3mphv

Western women can be extreme flakes even up until it getting serious. It has gone from being family focused to individual focused. They will keep guys around for the ego stroke and the attention. It's not about relationship building it's all about the feels and status. It can hurt because most guys are pretty serious and genuine but unfortunately they do not take it the same way.

I was going to suggest church, but since you're not religious that's a no go. You could always give it a try though, could be the change you didn't know you need. (In college, the girl I wanted was a Christian; I wasn't. But being with her changed me, I saw the joy and confidence she had, the solid Christian family roots she had growing up, and I wanted that too. This the whole course of my life, and eventually my family, was impacted by this one individual) ///// If you're going overseas for 4 months, there's a good chance you'll meet a foreign girl or an expat. Don't expect them to want kids day 1 though. If they're there they're travelling just like you, not a homesteader on a farm. (In another experience, I was engaged to a french girl after meeting her in Asia, whirlwind romance and all that. BUT it eventually ended because a) She wasn't christian and swore never to be and b) She didn't want kids.) /// I'm now happily married with kids, but from start to right now it took me 13 years to get here. You'll make it too. Men have plenty of time to have kids, don't think you don't. Good luck

I read enough to know that it's not gonna work. Move on my dude. Someone out there wants what you want and won't make you wait or pull your chain. It's always easiest to go back to who you know but you have to resist that urge.

Just remember to say yes to things. Meet someone or some people and they are going somewhere and suggest you join, go visit! I got lost in the chinese countryside for 3 days once doing that. Unforgetable experience and saw things am sure very few tourists ever saw. Amazingly friendly and welcoming villagers gave us places to stay, was amazing. All just from someone asking me what I was the next and and just said no plans!

I mean going to church to find a woman may not be a bad thing. You may find something else that's missing to you. Time to move on from this one though. Is 18 months your longest relationship ever? What causes the others to falter? Do you self sabotage? Feel like there's missing info. I could have missed it though. Either way I wish you the best and hope you don't be what you're looking for. Try church though. It may not actually be phoney to you like you think. God does work in mysterious ways. Either way be blessed

my longest relationship was 3 years. then two others that were about a year, and most about 4 to 6 months. nothing has been crazy long term but i dont think i self-sabotage. i probably ended things 50% of the time, she ended things 40% of the time, and maybe 10% of the time it was both of us saying "this isn't working". from my end, it's usually something that makes me second guess her character or her as an eventual mother. (one girl, for example, hit the DOOR CLOSE button repeatedly when a mom and 2 kids was trying to get on the elevator. i was shocked.) i think i need to shake things up. i have been at the same gig for 20 years in the same house that i own for 20 years. but i dont know. thank you for the reply.

Sorry things didn't work out 😞 When I was in my 20's, I thought 40 was very old....I was immature. At 27, she should know what she wants. Places to meet women: Cooking classes (i.e., sur la table) Yoga classes Travel tours for singles (something with an activity you like -- casual biking, hiking, wine tasting....) Meetups Wine tasting Business/networking events Good luck 🫂

My 2 sats: You must have a purpose and passion in your life that drives you. A goal / mission that you dedicate yourself to… your way to make an impact on this world. A job is not enough. Having money is not enough. Without it, you are not the Captain of your ship on an adventure with purpose… Women sign up for the adventure/journey… they want to step onto the ship (into the world/adventure) that you create… and they want to know that you can lead, handle pressure, and trust that it will all work out for the best in the end… they will test you, and you need to have the conviction and confidence that your path and purpose are genuine in order to BE the man they need you to be. This might sound strange, but this situation you are in, it’s NOT about the girl… it’s about you. You have to find your purpose in life, and then relentlessly impact the world in a positive way pursuing it. If you do that, you will meet the women you are meant to be with, because you will find a woman in the spheres that journey passes through… someone who will recognize that fire and drive, and sign up for the lifelong adventure, knowing you’re committed. You cannot make a woman the center of your life, nor the goal of a family the central reasons you make decisions. You are here for a reason. You have a purpose. You must find what it is… when you become the Captain of the ship and you know where you are going… the woman will enter your life. Focus on how you will make this world a better place, and how you can become the best man you can be… and the woman and family will come 🙏🏼

thank you john. this spoke to me. i have been wanting to leave my job (my own business) since 2018. my father passed that same year and one thing led to another and i have stayed dormant and bored. i know i need a kick in the pants to find myself again in this regard. it used to be a passion. right now, it's a paycheck. it's time to leave and find myself again.

Look for the feeling and attitude of being a team. From your description it doesn’t seem like it. Your life with a partner will require some adjustment from the solo play and either one of you should not be making all the sacrifices. Additionally, kids are amazing, but they will expose all your weaknesses in sometimes heartbreaking ways. Try to aim for ‘oh dear, how do we handle this’ and not ‘whose fault is this mess’. Consider other situations as signposts.

as my dad was dying in the hospital, he said "marriages are partnerships with the same goal. be a good partner." and my mom told me their marriage worked so well because they were on the same team trying to build the same thing (a family). in our best of times, and when we were in the same city, it did feel this way. long distance made this hard. but yes, its what i seek.

what makes you think your family will be a loving one ? if you never had a lasting relationship while you were in your prime what makes you think you will have it when you're old, fat and impotent ? you CAN have it, but it can't be based on childish superstitions. it must be based on mutual interest. like in the old days nobles would marry to secure relationship between bloodlines in many cases without ever meeting the person they are marrying before marriage. you don't marry somebody because they gave you a blow job and you came.