Oddbean

In light of the information coming out about the GA school shooter I’m more fired up than ever about a situation my son is involved in at school. A boy in my son’s grade has accused my son of bullying him half a dozen times. Half the incidents have been proven false via video footage -my son was not even present 2 of the three times. Two incidents involved locker room jokes about deer testicles and “your mama so fat” between his friends that this kid wasn’t a part of but he overheard them and found it offensive. The last incident involved my son breaking up a fight with this student and an even smaller student. A week later this boy pulled a knife on my son at school and threatened to kill him because his dad is military and has trained him to kill. The threats of physical violence have continued this year and this kid has a strong infatuation with guns (presentations on guns, projects about guns and talks about guns constantly) The school’s position is “Your son is so big, there is no threat,” “Your son is literally a foot taller than this kid,” “This boy is on the spectrum and doesn’t always know what he is saying,” “I’m pretty sure your son could handle himself if he felt threatened.” I am livid and today threatened involving law enforcement if it continues. I’d rather be wrong and considered an overzealous mom than right and students including my son get hurt. What do you think and how would you handle this if it were your child?

As I was reading it, before you got to the part about involving outside law enforcement, that's where I landed. I have a kid who is a foot taller than all the kids, too, that doesn't mean that he's not in danger from someone pulling a knife or god forbid bringing a gun to school. I don't know that this helps, but you're not an over zealouus mom, just concerned for your child's safety.

Thank you. That’s exactly how my husband and I are feeling. We aren’t even asking them to expel the kid, but we do want them to take the threats seriously and don’t understand why his small size or on the spectrum diagnosis matters.

i would guess they loved their friends there, but not the school itself. it is like a prisoner saying, that prison wasn't so bad, because he found friends there. indeed, home schooling does not mean to stay home, but rather to go out on a regular schedule to get in touch with other peers. e.g. woods, museums, libraries, playgrounds ... as previously said, its a difficult task as most other children are locked away and their parents too. i have the same task to find the right community. i wish us luck and all the best.

(i would be just as livid, i think) and I might try getting in touch with the kid's parents. if the parents are unreceptive, then I would get in touch with LE would be hard for me to contain my anger though, honestly.

We have talked to the parents and their position is that there son was scared and has a right to defend himself. They also acknowledged that my son has not bullied their son, but said that as a leader and someone who the boys in the grade look up to, he should be their son’s advocate.

ok, so it seems like his parents & the school are positioning him as the victim even after he has credibly threatened severe violence to your son? if that is indeed the case, I would escalate to LE. if nothing else, it creates a legal paper trail, and puts liability on his parents. i really hope things turn around and/or this kid is dealt with appropriately.

I am a dad of 3 kids and I think that you are not overthinking this especially if the kid already pulled a knif. I am furtunate because we do homeschooling. I don't know if this or changing school could be an option. Hope this get resolved soon. I'll pray for your son.

My pleasure I also prayed for the other kid too. I hope than he finds love in his heart. Lying and pulling a knife at school is very concerning. Unfortunately school those days are not the safest places especially when they don't really care about the kids safety. Pulling him could be a good choice. Better be safe than sorry

I would ask them if "I'm pretty sure your son could handle himself if he felt threatened" a green light for your son to deal with this as he sees fit without any repercussions? I don't know anything about the specifics, but I bought my daughter ice cream when she punched the girl that was consistently targeting her for bullying and the school did nothing.

Try to let go of your fear around the situation (it doesn't help you or your son). The best thing you both can do is to let go the fear & follow your intuition. My intuition has always served me in these situations except when I ignored it. He's going to come across many more people like this in his life. I know it's hard, especially as a mother but you have to trust that things will work themselves out. Your boy is nearly a man although he'll always be a little boy in your mind. You'll always want to shield & protect him but at some point you need to accept that you can't. I know this is a hard pill to swallow but I also know you'll consider these words. 🧡

I hear you Brisket but that’s the thing, my intuition is that this kid is troubled and could really hurt someone. My son is the one who keeps saying, “Don’t worry mom, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone, he’s just really weird.” All I hear is FBI profile for school shooter.

Who are you communicating with about this at the school? My advice having previously worked in a school environment is to raise it directly with the Senior Leadership Team and/or Headteacher (not the class teacher). Producing a knife at school is not a trivial matter and should be taken seriously by them.

I'm not at all doubting your intuition. The problem with intuition is that it gets clouded when fear creeps in. I suspect that your intuition tells you that this kid is unhinged/dangerous. This feeling combined with the shit on the news brings about a sense of fear (understandably). All I'm saying is to try and let that fear go before taking any action from here. Involving LE could make the whole situation worse (this is a woke world still). You could withdraw your son from the school but that would impact your son & your relationship with him. It's a shitty situation but there are no coincidences. This kid has entered your reality to teach you both something. 💚

It’s great advice. I’d love to just withdraw him, but you are right that there is a lot to consider. The opportunities he is receiving from his school athletics is a huge factor. Thanks for making me step back and think instead of being reactionary from the get go. It does look like the school is requiring a psychological evaluation of the student which is at least a step in addressing whether this kid could harm others or himself.

I'm so sad to hear your son is suffering like this. A death threat in my country is taken very seriously. 😦 If I were in that situation, I would homeschool (this is what we do with our four children). I know that's not always a viable solution but where it's possible, it's a great one. Making friends with a homeschool community can replace the need for the school kids 💜💜💜 Most kids escaping school violence much prefer not remaining in fight or flight which is really not good for their nervous systems anyways. It's awful that this is such a prevalent thing in these times. A book that helped me understand what's going on with kids like this was Hold on to your kids by Gabor Mate. It really helped me to understand why kids are likely to bully and behave that way. I hope you can find a solution that works well for your children 💜💜💜

Here in the uk the other kid would be arrested, or at least least taken seriously in order to protect your lad. Just read this in passing and made me angry for you. Not a good situation at all. Mind you knife crime is on the rise here too. Makes no sense