Very true. Not defaulting to most of these people’s preferred pronouns makes you immediately a bad person, even if the person is very clearly male. I’ll never understand how accidentally not knowing what pronoun people use and assuming it based on appearance is bad. Some are chill about it and correct you, but others react like you’re the literal devil for assuming correctly about what you see. It’s like when I apply for jobs with my legal name and someone calls me by it. I don’t get upset when people use my name, because well, it’s my name. It’s not “wrong” it’s just not what I want to be called. That doesn’t give me a green card to violence, and that doesn’t make the other person incorrect . Much to think about. Thank you for this perspective!
Of course I can see that perspective! I don’t fear punishment, it’s just that I do care about the people around me and their feelings. I don’t necessarily think that pronouns are the same as calling someone an actual male or female, personally. I can understand folks who use pronouns as if it’s like a “nickname”. I’ll call you by your nickname if it’s preferred but that doesn’t make you any less of your real name, you know? That’s how I think about it I suppose.
If I don’t know any better though, I’m going by what I see with my eyes. 🤷🏽♀️if I can avoid using pronouns I usually just end up using their names instead. If that name is feminine I’m using it even if they’re male. I’m coming at this in the angle that we’re all human and that no language or name will ever suffice to encapsulate the human experience, so stuff like this doesn’t bother me. It’s more about the biological truth of the matter, and an XY can never be an XX, and can never truly have or share womanhood or live as a woman. Do I actually think that a man can REALLY be a “she”,or a woman? of course not.
My hope for the future is that “she” and “he” are used correlating with birth sex and that people feel no need to stick within rigid gender norms while maintaining their sex pronouns. Men being effeminate, women being masculine, with no need for transition or pronoun change because those expressions of sex are normal parts of being human. But we aren’t there yet (in fact I think trans ideology is reductive in this area, and is making it worse) but I’m not gonna make too much of a fuss about it.
I’m new to this site but I’m excited to join the community! I initially joined just to lurk and further educate myself. I’m a woman in the art industry in LA, and for years I’ve considered myself very supportive and empathetic towards trans rights and have several trans friends. I’ve always felt slight discomfort at the way that trans ideology characterizes gender (both female and male) though, and that leads me to why I’m here.
The people I knew were all great people, and they weren’t hurting anyone, right? That was until it hit my husband. We had a shroom trip together about a year ago, and suddenly he felt the need to crossdress. I was uncomfortable, but played along because there’s nothing wrong with wearing clothes that you want to if it makes you happy. The issue was…the huge erection he got at the sight of himself. It uneased me. Since then he thought himself trans, but wouldn’t dress or try to do anything to himself to appear more femininely. No pronoun change, nothing. Was that it? He says it and I agree? I’m supposed to just go along with it? I couldn’t shake that something was wrong with the way that he was acting. The high pitched giggles, something I never do, the way he “acted” femininely, the way he would prance around the house, all in this extremely exaggerated manner I’ve never seen any woman do.
This all came to a crux when I asked him what made him want to be a woman in the first place.
“To be cute”
Hm.
I asked him, The women who don’t prance around and aren’t “cute”, are they still women? Of course he would say, but he wants to be a cute girl. Because he doesn’t want to dress in feminine clothing as a man. My brain was confused because…did he think transition would turn him magically into a woman? Does he really think all his maleness would just disappear because he took some horomones?
I did so much research into trans communities, initially with support but also skepticism. I noticed they all had this stereotypical view of women, only one men could have. I then realized that they seem to be constricting themselves further into the identities patriarchy has put onto women, and call that “womanhood” I saw the “periods” they said they have. The “breasts” they were so desperate to grow. I saw how SAD and depressed so many of them were because they were trying to be something they weren’t. Something they can never be. Then I realized that all of it, gender, is just made up. I’m a woman because I was born one. Not because I do X thing. I don’t wear nail polish, or heels, or makeup even, am I a man?
I raised these questions to my husband, I asked him why he thought men couldn’t be “cute” in that way. He realized he isn’t trans, never was, and was conflating attraction and personality to gender. I was able to get through to him and I’m glad because he had just started HRT himself and was already doubtful as to whether this was what he wanted. I told him what my OWN horomones (bc) did to my body. I had terrible upper arm pain for nearly 5 years. Birth control. Depression. Birth control. Brain fog? Birth Control. And these are the horomones I’m MEANT to have. Why was he able to just get them online after one consultation?? There have to be risks? Right?
I’m saying all this to say now…I feel as if there’s something inherently wrong with the movement. I try to be respectful to everyone, and I’ll never stop using people’s preferred pronouns, as I feel they are also not “real” in the same sense as gender is not “real” (I’ll call anyone any pronoun they want) but..do I think they’re women? No. I can’t express these feelings near people I know, this is apparently all TERF ideology, although I was never indoctrinated, I just observed.
Thank you for making a safe space where I can freely express what I need to. This means so much to me and I’m glad to be here. 🙏🏽
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