people of nostr, i need some personal advice please. throwaway npub.
i’m a 43 yo male. i’ve wanted to start a family since i was 25, but haven’t found someone i wanted to take that leap with… until my last girlfriend. we were together for 18 months, a long distance relationship but we saw each pretty much other every 2 to 3 weeks. it was incredible. and we both felt that way. i told her i wanted to marry her after 3 months (maybe a mistake to say? but she says she loved hearing it), and we were on the same page about having 4-5 kids. so what happened?
a couple months after i suggested we move in together when her lease ended, which required me moving 3 hours away and uprooting my whole life — but i was eager to do it for her, she broke up with me. then she asked to get back together after 3 days. then we broke up for a month. then back together for a month. etc etc. so it was on-again-off-again for the last 5 months. we ended things officially a few weeks ago. i still love her and she tells me she will always love me, but that she won’t be ready for a family for several years (she’s only 27) and that’s unfair to me when she knows how much i want that now. i offered to wait it out but that, i guess, doesn’t work.
so i am in the process of getting over her. i’m doing the things i need to do: i built a gym in my basement and have been throwing around heavy things, i’ve been taking care of myself and doing things that i like doing. i feel great physically and mostly great mentally. (i get sad thinking about losing her still) i have been going on dates (like i did every time we were separated). i know time will heal this very deep wound. but i still want to fulfill my life goals of building a family with someone amazing. it’s just… where the heck am i supposed to meet her?
i’m not a religious person, so going to church would be phony for me. i am an avid runner and meet girls at running clubs … but they seem to be her age or younger and i don’t think that age/lifestage is going to work anymore for me. the dating apps are horrendous, full of cliches (i setup dates semi-easily on them but they whole process is frustrating and zaps my will to keep looking on them). i’m in the process of setting up a 4 month trip overseas for this winter to escape my daily routine. to reset my psyche. and to get out of my own head. but the fear of aging myself out of this lifegoal is very real and very sad to me.
my buddy asked me before this last girlfriend, “was there ‘one that got away’ from the past girls you dated?” and after much reflection, i really don’t think so. i learned from those relationships what i value most. but i didn’t see any of them as the mother of my children. (is that weird to say?) if the bar is this past girlfriend and how she made me feel, everyone else was so far below it.
i just feel lost. any advice would greatly be appreciated. not sure this note will get any traction posting it anon. thanks nostr!
Hey @Jon, I need some time to digest this. But thank you immensely for taking the time to reply. I will write back after I have processed it.
My gut reaction is, yes, of course she was the center of my universe. I was ready to marry her and start a family with her. Why wouldn't she be? I wanted to make her happy in every way that I possibly could. My head cannot wrap around that being an unattractive thing.
I can afford the large family we both wanted. I could afford to let her be a SAH mom if she wanted it -- and when she said she would always want a career as well as motherhood, I said I would love to be a SAH dad and support her career -- and i already have the nest egg to be able to do that.
You write some heavy words that I need to let digest. Thank you.
as my dad was dying in the hospital, he said "marriages are partnerships with the same goal. be a good partner." and my mom told me their marriage worked so well because they were on the same team trying to build the same thing (a family). in our best of times, and when we were in the same city, it did feel this way. long distance made this hard. but yes, its what i seek.
thank you john. this spoke to me. i have been wanting to leave my job (my own business) since 2018. my father passed that same year and one thing led to another and i have stayed dormant and bored. i know i need a kick in the pants to find myself again in this regard. it used to be a passion. right now, it's a paycheck. it's time to leave and find myself again.
my longest relationship was 3 years. then two others that were about a year, and most about 4 to 6 months. nothing has been crazy long term but i dont think i self-sabotage. i probably ended things 50% of the time, she ended things 40% of the time, and maybe 10% of the time it was both of us saying "this isn't working". from my end, it's usually something that makes me second guess her character or her as an eventual mother. (one girl, for example, hit the DOOR CLOSE button repeatedly when a mom and 2 kids was trying to get on the elevator. i was shocked.) i think i need to shake things up. i have been at the same gig for 20 years in the same house that i own for 20 years. but i dont know. thank you for the reply.
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