Oddbean

I considered quitting nostr. I considered just creating a personal (real name) account and dropping this one. I considered converting this one to my real name. Ultimately I deeply fear rejection. A deep sense of worthlessness. Of feeling hated. I've seen hate here pointed in my direction. Having been told I "add no value" by a certain user, it caused a wonderful agony. For that I'm grateful. Self hatred. The part of the ego that cannot be overcome, but must be embraced. I've said some dumb stuff on this profile. I also feel attachment to some profound moments I've recorded here. Even if it's just screaming into the void. Oh what to do. #asknostr

@nostr:note1fqpuzdayw2yp2y8y0n05utaw693vxqafee6w672uzse33cvppakqeedzqy You are not worthless. Ego is a hard thing to kick. It sounds like somebody’s said some things that were hard but at least something you identify as value added. Maybe try dropping this npub for a while and using a new one now that you’ve learned whatever that thing was. It’s a free opportunity to start a new you that fully appreciates this new learning. Remember your value is not the likes, the zaps, the follows.

It may surprise you to know that most humans have issues around their own worthiness. This applies to many people who appear to have everything going right for them. Underneath their exterior they have huge insecurities & perceived faults that they hope nobody will notice. I recommend reading/listening to The 4 agreements (a short book) & then try to implement them. The book has really helped me to love myself. If you can't love yourself unconditionally, how can you expect anyone else to? Here's an audio version of the book: https://v.nostr.build/O5JP.mp4

Thanks so much. Will check it out. This profile is called Kensho for a reason. I've experienced the first awakening, as described in zen and elsewhere. There is no overcoming. You can't fight the ego and win. The very idea of you is the ego. The invitation to myself to feel the fear and pain deeply and wordlessly is the cure of it. Thanks again.