Oddbean new post about login | logout This 💯 Too large a percentage of the dating pool needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and reevaluate either what they’re doing/offer, what they are willing to accept in a partner, or accept that they’re going to be single.
Sometimes they trot out a list, like some of the women that they make fun of, and it's like 🤨 Have fun with that, bro.
I call that elimi-dating. I’ve been on dates and observed them where one or both parties are elimi-dating. It’s awful. I’ve had more enjoyable job interviews.
I've overheard some people talk like that about past dates. It's such a weird conversation. Like you said, like they were talking about someone applying for a job that they weren't qualified for.
I’ll be honest and say I’ve talked about dates with friends like the date was a candidate applying for a job they weren’t qualified for. I’ve also been on a date and felt like I’m not qualified to be here, I’ll just excuse myself.
😅
I had a sweet girl who had overcome a lot and made a lot of progress in life say to me, on a third date, “Eh, I’ll probably fuck this up. I always fuck up the good ones.” It was really sad she thought about herself that way.
It’s sad but it’s also really good to know if a potential partner doesn’t believe they’re capable of changing their behavior patterns.
For sure. It’s amazing how people show and tell us who they are, if only we’ll listen. Admittedly, I had to fight the urge to jump into savior mode (as if). Thank god for the lessons of therapy. I was not surprised by the self-immolation that shortly followed.
Also I haven’t figured out how to tell someone, typically a friend, your list and expectations are batshit crazy in a polite way. I’m taking suggestions.
Male logic: "Don't be daft! That'll never happen! 🙄" Female logic: "Look here... you'll be searching for a mate your entire life if you hold on to standards such as those. I think, deep down, you know I'm talkin' sense here. I'm only tryin' to help you, love! 🫂"
I have told friends before that the person described in their list doesn’t exist. I’ve also been like ok so what’s the 60-80% of the list that’s really necessary and what are the nice to haves. I’ve also suggested people look at their list and for everything they’re asking for evaluate how they’re bringing that or a complimentary trait to the table.
I've told people they're kidding themselves, but it didn't go over well.
Were you straightforward about it or did ya let 'em down easy?
I'm autistic. I don't really have a "let 'em down easy" mode.
I’m known amongst friends of being blunt and straight to the heart of the matter if they’re unloading or asking for advice. As far as I know I’m not autistic.
Then you have no excuse and have to be nice and stuff.
I've always been somewhat speculative about whether my daughter possesses some level of autism. She becomes obsessed with certain things, like a particular song that she'll play on the piano for days (sometimes weeks) on end, or perhaps a painting that she'll try to copy herself to near perfection. She's becoming surprisingly good at playing chess as well. My mum has been teaching her how to play recently. I'll have to get her tested at some point.
Your friends must absolutely adore it when you're constantly correcting them on everything. 😅🤣
I do sometimes wonder what they think of me. 😅 I guess they get used to it.
have your tried, "find someone you can play with."
I did use something similar but it was a 23 year old hitting on me so I said go play in your own sandbox.
lol not exactly what i meant but fun answer....
In situations like these, or when I’m pretty obviously being elimi-dated (I’m stealing that, BTW), I channel my inner Mark Baum from The Big Short. No, I don’t say it out loud. https://video.nostr.build/cbbde2dd72afd6bfef360d8a9527c682a070e708711e441520cd102197d9335a.mp4