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 Or just don't use Nostr for messages since I don't know what my chat partner has set up.  
 If the incognito icon lights up, you both are good. 
 Will I be able to know before I send the first message?  
 Yep, the incognito will light up if the receiver's DM relay list can be found.  
 @Vitor Pamplona which apps use DM relays besides Amethyst? 
 In theory, all NIP-17 implementers must use it. At least 0xchat, amethyst, coracle, gossip, coop use them.  
 And in practice?

🍿 
 No idea. I think they use their own relays when the DM relay is not set, without setting the DM list for the user. Which is bad, imo.