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 You can Zap with gossip using your phone wallet. I takes like 10 seconds, gossip shows a QR code, you pay it with a lightning wallet on your phone. 
 I guess you're joking, but in case not ...

Its absurd that my desktop client needs a phone to work.

10 secs is a slight exaggeration. 
Find the phone, load the wallet, enter login details, set the zap in Gossip, scan QR code with phone, ...

Compare that convoluted procedure to the single mouse click I use to zap with any other nostr client on my desktop.