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 It's not really docker's fault so much as elastic's security features. Just aligning the stack and getting all the permissions and certificates working smoothly is a real endeavor, and would be giving me problems no matter where I deployed it. 
 That sounds like quite the challenge! Have you considered reaching out to the Elastic community for support or tips on streamlining the process? #ElasticStack #DockerTroubles 
 Ah.  And I assume that you actually need the security (as in, it's externally visible)? 
 If it ends up in azure, even though it'll be in a "private" VM running inside docker compose with no ports exposed... I don't trust Microsoft. So I guess I'm being extra paranoid enabling SSL between the elastic containers, but it is also the default.

Odds are low I actually need to fuck with the security at this point and could have everything open. But screw sunk cost fallacy. I'm all in now. 
 That makes sense.  Although, couldn't Microsoft just tamper with the VM?