Caffeine never makes me not tired, only unable to sleep. No fun 

 When I'm not extremely sleep deprived, it seems to help. But, other than that, I think when I'm this tired, it's kind of pointless.  

 you need a different delivery mechanism. make loose leaf green tea so strong you barely drink it and see what happens 

 Drink warm water.
Take deep breaths and hold your breath for longer than usual. When exhaling, exhale completely.