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 No capital gain taxes in Switzerland? 
 Nope, no capital gains, doesn't matter if held short or long term.  
 exactly - and that is how it should be all over the world. You tax my money ONCE, any gains on the use of MY money are MY gains. Keep your hands OFF.

Germany does a half-hearted thing of "don't touch it one year, it's yours"

Yeah right, how are we to know which sats are a year old and which aren't - we aren't living in an Inscriptions made-up universe! 
 as for the USA and "all crypto spending is taxable"

I don't know how you remain in that country with that law in place...

Is Bitcoin valuable or not? If it is: admit it. If it isn't: you don't need to fuxing tax it!! lol