Oddbean new post about login | logout Once a week sex is not enough for most men. If you think it is, you are most likely wrong and it can be fixed. Sorry if this is TMI but I hope this helps someone…I never thought I would have an issue with my libido until I did. It took a while with bioidentical hormones to get things back to normal, but 6 months later and I feel whole again. No need for you or your spouse to suffer. I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.
My friend and I were just taking about this very issue Saturday night with our wives when we were coming home from listening to a band. No, once a week is not enough.
Always a hard conversation between a husband and wife, in my experience as a married man. 😵💫
It is hard! Even though my husband and I have great communication I found the conversation hard because I was feeling defective and wondering if this is how life would be from now on. Fortunately my husband’s compassion and clear message that it wasn’t enough made me seek solutions.
What was the solution that fixed it?
Bioidentical hormones. A patch, pill and a supplement.
Interesting. Tks ☺️🙏
Married or not , awkward and uncomfortable regardless I’m sure
Ok but is it enough for most women?
I'm a doctor that sees men and women, practicing for 20+ years in multiple countries. There is a wide, wide spectrum here, and many, many factors, not the least of which is age. And "sex" is doing a LOT of work there. Trite to say, but communication is everything here, and thinking there is 1 truth about libido and gender is... well, wrong
You have much more clinical evidence which I appreciate. I can only share my personal experience and anecdotal evidence with friends. Neither my husband nor any of our male friends say they are satisfied with sexual intimacy with their partners once a week. Not a single one.
I'm sure that's true. Butt my database is 100s if not thousands of men and women. I've had middle-aged women wanting sex daily and men who are happy with annual sex. This is just one of those things that isn't as rigid as defecation and urination. And that changes with time. For what it's worth, the doctors I know appreciate very well that hormones are important. For my part, I just don't feel comfortable pathologizing all changes. Not that supplementing is bad, not naively assuming all bodily changes are "natural". But not every stage of life needs to be "fixed". No one claims 80+ year old men need weekly sex. Nor children. Sex is great, but we're not all on the same schedule, and that's fine.
You wouldn’t check a male’s testosterone level if they only wanted sex annually? I am certain I don’t know any couples who have fulfilling marriages who only have sex once a year and that includes 80+ year old.
Just as you are certain you don't know, I'm certain I do. I've checked many, MANY, MANY, testosterone levels in my years. Sometimes it's relevant, sometimes it's not. The premise is the problem. I just don't see evidence that intercourse frequency is a biologically or hormonally contingent reality. It's an emergent phenomenon of which hormone levels play a part, but they're not the whole story, or even frankly the biggest part.
In women it’s not a hormonally contingent reality?!?! Physicians like you are exactly the ones who don’t take women or female sexual dysfunction seriously. Thank goodness for doctors like Dr Mary Haver, Dr Louise Newsom and Dr Kelly Casperson who have helped women who have been gaslit by physicians and their hormonal changes.
I’d add this. How much time are you spending with your patients to ascertain that they have fulfilling and happy marriages. I’ll be REALLY generous here with one hour every 6 weeks? That seems relevant and lol.
sorry, fell asleep. Valid points. Can only go by what patients tell me. I will say that I'm in primary care so see patients 3-4 times annually for years, so get to know them. And we talk about relationships and sex frequently, as it's part of health. And my partner is a gynecologist who has similar experiences to mine. All I'm saying is that there's no one right frequency for everyone nor biologically determined right frequency.
I appreciate your perspective! There definitely is no right frequency as evidenced by the men responding to this note and I did say most not all men. I’d counter that you should consider that patients are not always forthcoming with their physicians when it comes to intimate matters. Join any menopause forum and will you find a few women that have higher libidos than their partners? Sure, but overwhelmingly the complaint is low libido compared to their spouse that they either don’t feel comfortable discussing with their doctor or feel that it was minimized when they brought it up.
Another thing I found is physicians do not take low libido seriously in women particularly in the absence of physical issues like vaginal dryness or atrophy. I saw 3 who said things like “It’s part of aging” “Once a week is normal” or my favorite , “Once a week is healthy at your age.” I fortunately eventually found a doctor who heard me and treated me properly and with compassion.
I'm always skeptical it's normative statements in regards to this given the spectrum and data. But I will defend the revealed biological truth that libido varies with age and, generally speaking, intercourse frequency declines with age. But sex is behavioral, too, and tied to our values and what we conceive of as "the good life". So, yes, hormones to manipulate our biochemistry to align with what we conceive of the good life are available. I'm just skeptical and wary of implying this as somehow better or more right than couples who choose other ways of maintaining balance. Masturbating, oral sex, etc.
I understand your position but there are so many other issues I had that have been corrected with bioidentical hormones such as skin dryness/thinning and brain fog. I find physicians reluctance to counsel and treat women’s hormonal changes outdated and maddening.
Our sex drive went through the roof after eating more strictly animal based for a few months. However, once a week is perfectly fine in my opinion. I suppose it’s different for all couples!
So through the roof was sex once a week? Not saying it isn’t fine just not what I hear from my hubs or male friends.
Oh, no, I’m just saying I’m personally fine with once a week as long as it’s happening. I’m a simple guy! Don’t need much to be happy. We’ve noticed that it fluctuates depending on her cycle. Sometimes it’s maybe once a week, other times it’s twice in one day. It depends on a number of other factors that I could go into but it might be a bit TMI. Ultimately, sex isn’t that important to our relationship. Some people treat it like a sport or a hobby but to us it’s just something to do after we’ve been flirting all day! Quality time and quality activities always take priority. However, we did have a period where a lack of sexual intimacy was an issue. Turned out her birth control and poor diet was messing with her hormones. Got off birth control and started eating more quality red meat and things got better. Like, back when we first started dating, better! Context: we’ve been together for a little over 12 years. We’re in our early 30s in pretty good health overall. We found that continuing to flirt with each other even though we’ve know each other for over a third of our lives really brought the spark back into our relationship. A booty pinch here, a booty slap there, a compliment about how good her booty looks… (there seems to be a pattern here.) and you’re good!
It sounds like you have a healthy, fantastic relationship. I love it and my dos! Never stop flirting (booty slaps and winks still get me 27 years in) and never underestimate the havoc hormones can wreak on the body. Particularly females but males too and I say this as a mom with a son who was diagnosed with abdominal migraines which were impacted by his hormones.
Oh yeah we’re all so messed up hormonally! The average male testosterone levels have TANKED the last 100 years. But things are slowly turning around. I have multiple coworkers who’ve tried or are carnivore and the results don’t lie!
Carnivore is amazing. I follow it 90% now and it has kept me med free and my blood sugar optimal after a type 2 diagnosis 5 years ago. My hubs can’t do full carnivore though. He loves it but gets way too skinny.
Congrats, med free!!! Yeah I get pretty thin too but Dr. Paul Saladino’s recommendations are pretty spot on for adding carbs to a carnivore diet. We really need to get Dr. Paul on Nostr!
As a male my take is less is more. I find in relationships where sex is happening more than a twice a week eventually it gets boring. There's nothing wrong with exploring eachother at a pace. After all, a life time is a long time!
I have been thinking about your answer and have a question…you have or will end a relationship with a woman who wanted sex with you more than once a week? You don’t need to answer if it’s too personal, but I am curious.
This is a very subjective topic. I’d say it’s less about frequency and more about quality. Frustration can also lead to more explosions.
I hear you and understand. From the responses, it is obvious to me that there are men who need little sex. This is not the case with my husband or male friends I have spoken to about it.
It’s great if the both of you are satisfied and IMO it’s the most important. I’d also argue that frequency might change with age too.
Justin I am curious if you don’t find it to personal. Would you end a relationship with a woman who wanted to have sexual intercourse more than once a week?
If she is my partner and we are both in love, I don’t see why I would end that relationship. Now, would we be able to do it more than once a week, if the kids are running around, got lots of work to do, etc. Is another question.
Rejection from your own wife can be an immasculating feeling, it's hard not to take it personally. Men should not be in such a rush to discharge their semen. There's powerful energy in that stuff. Which hormones are you supplementing?