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 Start9 box or DIY machine running StartOS gets you most of the way there. 

PFSense router and Bitaxe still out of scope for the time being. 
 Already running the former. I just want it all in one beautiful box.

Why is the latter out of scope? 
 Good question. I want the same.

Consumer routers are all rubbish. 
 I don't think it's out of scope at all, I started to design an enclosure for a node with a Bitaxe and integrating a router board shouldn't be too hard. We'd need to find someone to do the coding to integrate all of them on a nice dashboard and boom. This is probably the hard part. 
 I've been playing with my new start9 server this weekend and installed libre office on the Webtop. I'm sure these things you want are not too far off.

https://image.nostr.build/c60d4da128c3a6adb8add845c1ca94af89b277f56cc29b7cf047d165c7da4ba0.png 
 Webtop? 
 It's an Alpine linux distro that runs in a web browser.

It's on the community registery. 
 I have to finally give Start9 a try. It's the only node implementation I didn't try so far. 
 I've had a great experience so far 
 It's so cool. I just wish it had more apps and was as easy to put over clearnet as umbrel, but I'm confident the OS will get there within a couple years.

Matt Hill said we will be able to do this soon, on citadel dispatch.

The stuff we can do is already mind boggling. 
 Yeah, something like tailscale is desperately needed