I am so very lost in my head and not sure what to do to get through my pain right now. I am not even at the point of processing these changes in my life or the grief of loss. 

I have had many great friends and family reach out to me and check on me and I was taken out to lunch today, which are all amazing things, but I am not sure that there is anything in the world that can really get me to the other side of this event faster or easier. I just have to process it and move forward accordingly, which is difficult on every level. 

No matter how many people are around or here for me, I just feel alone in the world. It is not the people around me or the support they are giving me emotionally, it is the fact that I cannot call my mother and share it with her. She was a huge part of my life and someone I could always count on to be there for me when times were tough and when times were good. She gave everything for her friends and family, even if it meant that she would go without. Words cannot even express what that means to me. 

She was the type of person that left her job to go down to help clean up after hurricane Katrina, but the "universe" punished her for it by making her do a quick claim on her house in 2009, sticking her with a 17% interest rate for 16 years. We are still stuck with that setup. As soon as she was in a position to finally get it refinanced at a reasonable rate, she had to leave her job due to the cancer diagnosis. She was so determined to do whatever it took to make a home for her family and never gave up on that goal. She even brought in those in need along the way and helped so many, which is a thing she learned from the example her mother and father gave her. 

I find it hard to accept the hard challenges that were put in her path over her life, some of those were the doing of those with mal-intent and other were just circumstance, but in any case she kept on keeping on. She was an inspiration as to how to move forward, no matter what life throws your way, but I really wish she was able to have a life more deserving of the good she tried to put into the world. 

No matter the challenges in her adventure on this earth, she led a life that I am proud of and there are many lives that she touched along the way. She did not deserve a abbreviated journey, she did not earn the hardships she faced, she did not put out bad into the world, but she did live a life worth living and that is a huge accomplishment.  

I love you Mom, rest easy now.

nostr:note1l4aaf5ev7d8w30lfsu5wf7a2unpe8c2d839dp63rzw6r7c9s86mq762crj  

 I went through this two years ago, worst imaginable pain

And the Pain doesn't go away, but you'll build the strength to live with it

Hang in there and be patient with yourself 🫂 

 I am doing my best to try to manage, but it does get easier over time. I am stuck with a ton of things to do as executor of the will, but I have not ever done anything like this and it is very hard to manage while my emotions are flowing through me. 

When I get back from this aside, I would like to see if we can get together and talk, I have a few things I think you might be able to shed some light one for me, but I know you have a lot on your plate as well. Just let me know if you would be up for it and I will reach out once I am in a place to do it. 

If I can get these things sorted out, I will be implementing more nostr, bitcoin and lightning infrastructure for the ecosystem, but many of them are just things that are knowledge gaps in an already understood technical expertise on my side.