In today’s edition of ‘dumbass teenage boys do dumbass shit’: a story about water balloons.
Water balloons? Sounds pretty innocent, right? Well it was… kind of.
When my buddies and I were about 16 we thought it was hilarious to chuck water balloons at passing cars. We used to all spend the night at my buddy Josh’s house, then after his parents were in bed we’d sneak out and roam the neighborhood with buckets full of water balloons. We’d hide behind trees, electrical boxes, etc. near a somewhat busy street (meaning a car every few minutes after midnight), then as one approached one of us would pop out, fire a balloon at the windshield and laugh like hell when it burst. Watching the drivers reaction was always the best part, some would slam on the brakes, some would lay on the horn, and some would just keep driving like nothing even happened, which I always found to be the most funny. Like bro you have to at least have some questions about what just happened lol.
We did this every few weekends for months, and it was all fun and games until one fateful night when my buddy Mitch decided to throw a balloon at a passing police car. Mitch was the head idiot of our group, always plotting dumbass shit for us to do, so it wasn’t too surprising that he decided to take the epic opportunity to shower a cop car. Also not surprising, after getting ambushed with a water balloon out of nowhere, the cop immediately pulled over, jumped out of his car and started searching with his flashlight for any sign of where the balloon may have come from.
We were probably 200-300 feet away from where he stopped, but being that we were all cackling like it was the funniest shit we’d ever seen, it didn’t take long for him to spot us and start running our way. After another second or two, my buddy David broke up the jubilee when he yelled “run!!” We all took off in different directions. I scaled a fence surrounding the yard immediately behind us, ran like the gifted track athlete I was, and was gone and out of harms way in no time. I decided it would be too risky to go back to Josh’s house, so I headed for home, which was a good 3+ miles away. I let myself in using the spare key out back, went to my room, and waited. I knew I had to leave before my mom woke up, otherwise she’d have known some shit went down. So, I waited until about 5:30am then made my way back to Josh’s house.
Keep in mind this was before we had cell phones, so I had no clue what had happened to the rest of the guys. When I got to Josh’s house, I went around to the basement window, looked in and saw some of the guys passed out. I banged on the window attempting to wake them up so they could let me in. Finally, after a few minutes of banging, Josh woke up and came to let me in. Thankfully his parents weren’t up yet. Mission accomplished.
It was time to get the debrief on what happened with the other guys after I bolted. I found out that two of the guys, Devin and Brent, had also not come back to Josh’s house that night, and nobody yet knew whether they were at home, or had gotten caught and taken to jail. Josh, Mitch, and David had all “escaped” together and had made it back to Josh’s house unscathed. We waited a few more hours until it was our normal wake up time, then we all headed for home. The plan was that Josh would call Devin and Brent’s houses later that day to find out their status. Then he would call the rest of us and let us know if we were fucked or not.
I waited around home for what felt like an eternity for the phone to ring. Finally, around 2pm I got the call. The other two dumbasses had made it home safe and sound. Devin had been at baseball practice for the past few hours, causing the rest of us to endure some added anxiety, but it was worth it. We were all free and clear and had an epic story to talk about for years to come. This wouldn’t be the last time we’d have to run from the cops, but the first time will always have a special place in our hearts.
Next up in the series of ‘dumbass teenage boys do dumbass shit’ stories, a story about lighting shit on fire.
It was nearing the end of the same summer and we were bored, like really fucking bored. Which meant it was time to do some really dumb shit.
We used to hang out at my friend David’s house a lot since his single mom was gone at work all day, meaning we had the place all to ourselves. There was a big sewer storm drain not too far down the street that we used to fuck around in, and that’s where, on this late summer day, we decided to light some shit on fire.
We began by burning a bunch of newspaper and small cardboard boxes, which was fun, but didn’t last long since they burned so fast. So, we went in search of shit that would burn longer. It didn’t take long searching in David’s basement to find a broken down old wooden rocking chair. Jackpot! We sparked that bitch up and enjoyed our pyro fun for a good half hour before it eventually burned out. We needed something bigger. Back to the basement we went.
And that’s when we found what eventually would put an end to our pyro fun, an old mattress. We hauled it down to the storm drain, (keep in mind this is the middle of the day in a residential neighborhood, we weren’t too incognito lol). We get it in there, dump some lighter fluid on it, and light that bitch up. And this fucking thing starts really burning. Big ole flames, and a minute later, massive bellows of dark black smoke start to pour out of the storm drain and into the air. It’s quickly becoming apparent that this was a bad idea. But us being the retards that we were, we didn’t bring any water or have any way to put the fire out. So, we just got the fuck outta there. We hightailed it back to David’s house and hoped to god the fire didn’t spread and burn down the entire neighborhood.
After a few minutes, we decided to jump in my car and do a reconnaissance mission. It didn’t take long to see that things had escalated. Massive waves of black smoke now filled the air outside the entrance to the drain. Luckily, it appeared that the fire itself had not spread. It was contained. After sending one of the guys out for a closer look to confirm, we were satisfied that we weren’t at risk of burning down the neighborhood after all, thank god. So, we took off and went to my buddy Mitch’s house to lay low for a while.
3-4 hours later and it’s now the end of the afternoon and time for us all to get home. I was the one with the car so I always dropped everyone off on my home. David was always last since he lived closest to me. So I drop everyone else off then I take David to his house. We pull into his cul-de-sac, get about halfway down towards his house, then we see them. Cops. Shit! Two cop cars, one on each side of his driveway. This isn’t good. I quickly come up with a plan. It will look too suspicious if we try to turn around and run for it. So I tell David, let’s just play dumb. We’ll just tell them we don’t have any clue what they’re talking about. They can’t arrest us for something we didn’t do!
I slowly pull into David’s driveway, stop the car, and he gets out. Just as I’m about to back out, one of the cops gets out of his cruiser and says, “hey guys, can I talk to you for a minute?” I shoot David a look (just stick to the plan and we’ll be fine!), turn the car off, and get out. The officer proceeds to tell us that a neighbor called 911 to report a fire. He said the fire department came out and found a burning mattress in a storm drain. After extinguishing the fire, they talked to the woman who called it in and asked her if she had any idea how a mattress could have ended up in the storm drain near her house. The woman said she had seen a group of teenage boys in the area earlier in the day and had a suspicion they might be the culprits. When asked if she knew any teenage boys in the area, she mentioned she knew David and his family. Well, shit.
The officer then asked us if knew anything about the mattress or the fire. This was our moment, stick to the plan and we’ll be fine! I look at David, then at the officer, and say, “no sir, we don’t.” The officer says, “Ok, well we’re going to get to the bottom of this, this could have really turned into a dangerous situation. Before we go, we need to know where you boys have been today.”
“Sure officer, we were at my friend Mitch’s house, just heading home now.”
“Ok, what’s Mitch’s phone number, I’ll need to contact his parents….”
After giving him the phone number the officer proceeds to tell us all about the dangers of inhaling toxic smoke from a mattress. Just in case we may have been closer to the situation than we let on, he wants us to know that inhaling that smoke can make you seriously ill. We thank him for the information, and much to our surprise, that’s the end. He climbs back into his car and goes on his way.
Whew, the plan worked and we were home free! I casually gave David a fist bump, hoped back in my car, and drove home. We never heard another thing about the fire, the mattress, or the lady who called 911. It wasn’t the end of our pyro days altogether, another story on that soon, but it was the end of burning shit in storm drains 😂
Looking back on this story, the first thing that always comes to mind is how teenagers today could never get away with something like this. Too many fucking cameras everywhere. Every phone, most stop lights, most houses, most buildings. It’s just not like it was in the early 2000’s. Too bad really, because those were some fucking great years. nostr:note1dl84c75t0ex35q30kcpdag5te89fcwakfgwt0x4yrkvcl4nrjszsgk3ns4
Inspired by @HODL, here’s one of my favorite ‘dumbass teenage boys do dumbass shit’ stories:
During the summer between our sophomore and junior years, my friends and I’s favorite way to pass a summer day was fucking around at various parks around town. We’d usually start out the day fishing, but things generally quickly devolved into finding ways to get the adrenaline flowing. We’d catch snakes (2 of which escaped a cage in my basement and were literally never again seen 😂), trap snapping turtles, noodle for catfish, ya know, manly shit. But one day we decided to kick it up a notch, and that’s when things got interesting.
While ‘walking the River’ at one of our favorite parks outside of town we came across some never before seen train tracks. Obviously we immediately did what any red blooded male teenager would do, throw shit at the trains as they passed by! We entertained ourselves for a few hours chucking rocks, railroad spikes, sticks, etc. at the passing trains. But when that inevitably got boring, my buddy Mitch came up with a great idea. Let’s pile a bunch of shit on the tracks and watch the train blast through it!
So, we proceeded to spend the next hour or so piling up railroad ties, big ass rocks, and fallen tree branches onto the tracks. There were a couple of times when someone would say, “that’s probably enough,” then the rest of us would tell him to stop being a pussy and to go get some more shit. Finally, we heard it. The next train was approaching. We hid down the hill behind some trees and waited to see our masterpiece get blown into a million pieces. And holy shit did it ever! It sounded like an explosion when it got hit, and shit literally went flying everywhere. We were cheering, laughing and hollering like apes when all the sudden we hear the train hit the brakes…
It took a minute to register what was happening. The train was stopping, and we needed to get the fuck outta there asap. By the time we collected our wits and started running we saw the train conductor climb out of the now stopped train and yell, “get back here you assholes!”
Holy shit! Time to get a move on boys! We ran as fast as we could, following the river we had been walking when we found the tracks. I lost a shoe at some point and was running half barefooted for what felt like 5 miles (probably like 1/2 mile in reality). We eventually came to a field by a road we recognized and stopped for a second to look back. Thankfully, we’d lost the conductor. Truthfully, I doubt he ever pursued us farther than like a hundred feet, but we weren’t going to stick around and find out what he had in mind for us if he caught us.
In the end it was a successful summer day full of sunshine, adrenaline, and fucking shit up. A dumbass teenage boys dream 😂. And, yes, we did this many more times that summer, lmao. Good times.
Working shit jobs as a teen/early 20’s and being perceptive enough to figure out real quick that you don’t want to end up with the life of your 40/50 year old bosses is great education and motivation for young men specifically.
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