Trump has only been president of some hours and the U.S. already feels less gay, my bank account has more money in it and everyone I've called today spoke perfect English!
A couple weeks ago my wife had to go out of the country for her job.
She left me in charge of her mother while she was gone. The first couple of days were fine, but then she started acting up.
To make a long story short, I panicked and put my mother-in-law in a nursing home.
I called them today, to see how she was doing.
The nurse said, "She's like a fish out of water."
I said, "So, she's not adjusting well?"
She said, "No, she's dead."
https://static.noauthority.social/media_attachments/files/113/314/326/058/225/691/original/a42c9ba16dcd371a.jpeg
I just asked my wife,
"What's for dinner tonight?"
She said, "Nothing."
I said, "We had that last night."
She said, "Well, I made enough for two nights."
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood once again.
https://static.noauthority.social/media_attachments/files/113/264/267/967/849/592/original/84d8ff6a1eea1bf1.jpeg
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, “You wuz born uh deer, you wuz raised uh deer, but now yew’s a catfish.”
https://static.noauthority.social/media_attachments/files/113/264/300/458/007/895/original/d49200b6408b2027.jpeg
An Arizona gold miner was crossing the mountains by horse and wagon.
With him was his daughter and $10,000 in cash.
Suddenly they were ambushed by bandits who stole everything they had.
"Dadgummit!" said the gold miner. "There goes our money."
"No, Pa," said the daughter.
"Look, I managed to hide the money in my mouth."
"Jeepers!" said the gold miner.
"If only your Ma' was here, we could have saved the horse and wagon too!"
https://static.noauthority.social/media_attachments/files/113/253/352/341/914/364/original/01df9a779d63efb8.jpeg
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood once again.
https://static.noauthority.social/media_attachments/files/113/264/267/967/849/592/original/84d8ff6a1eea1bf1.jpeg
Oddbean new post about login | logout
Notes by Twig | export