New ‘Extra Cheesy’ Cheez-Its A Tacit Acknowledgement That Company Could Have Been Making Snack Cheesier All Along

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SOUTH BEND, IN—Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. “If this…https://www.theonion.com/new-extra-cheesy-cheez-its-a-tacit-acknowledgement-th-1851159986


https://www.theonion.com/new-extra-cheesy-cheez-its-a-tacit-acknowledgement-th-1851159986 

 Bob Kraft: ‘We’re Already Searching Through Insane Asylums For A Possible Belichick Replacement’

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FOXBOROUGH,  MA—While paying tribute to the departing coach’s 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob  Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching  through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. “Look,  nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill’s leaving…https://www.theonion.com/bob-kraft-we-re-already-searching-through-insane-asyl-1851160006


https://www.theonion.com/bob-kraft-we-re-already-searching-through-insane-asyl-1851160006 

 Aaron Rodgers Leaves ‘Pat McAfee Show’ After Jimmy Kimmel Controversy

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Pat McAfee announced that Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear as a weekly guest on his ESPN talk show following statements by Rodgers that late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is linked to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, which caused Kimmel to threaten to sue. What do you think?https://www.theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-leaves-pat-mcafee-show-after-jimmy-kimm-1851160076


https://www.theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-leaves-pat-mcafee-show-after-jimmy-kimm-1851160076 

 NRA Narrows Search For New Leadership With Round Of Russian Roulette

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FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA—Emphasizing that the void left by outgoing CEO Wayne LaPierre would be difficult to fill, the National Rifle Association announced Thursday that it had narrowed its search for new leadership with a round of Russian roulette. “After an exhaustive search, we’ve honed in on the best candidates by…https://www.theonion.com/nra-narrows-search-for-new-leadership-with-round-of-rus-1851157507


https://www.theonion.com/nra-narrows-search-for-new-leadership-with-round-of-rus-1851157507 

 The Onion Looks Back On Bill Belichick’s 24,000 Year Reign Of Darkness

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https://www.theonion.com/let-s-clear-some-cap-space-says-stone-faced-bill-bel-1848424486


https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-looks-back-on-bill-belichick-s-24-000-year-re-1851159077 

 The Onion 5: Everything You Need To Know On January 11, 2024

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OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-5-everything-you-need-to-know-on-january-11-1851158936


https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-5-everything-you-need-to-know-on-january-11-1851158936 

 Americans Explain Why The Military Is Too Woke

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Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.https://www.theonion.com/americans-explain-why-the-military-is-too-woke-1851150689


https://www.theonion.com/americans-explain-why-the-military-is-too-woke-1851150689 

 Nation’s Midsize Cities Announce They Have No Idea Who Their Mayor Is

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OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. “Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?” said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of…https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-midsize-cities-announce-they-have-no-idea-who-1851137003


https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-midsize-cities-announce-they-have-no-idea-who-1851137003 

 Researchers Predict First Person To Live To 150 Already Out There, Preying On Young Souls For Their Life Force

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NEW  YORK—In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine,  researchers at Columbia University’s Robert N. Butler Aging Center  predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was  already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their  life force. “What’s remarkable is…https://www.theonion.com/researchers-predict-first-person-to-live-to-150-already-1851143490


https://www.theonion.com/researchers-predict-first-person-to-live-to-150-already-1851143490 

 Study Finds Bottled Water Contains 100 Times More Plastic Than Thought

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According to a new study published in Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences, an average liter of bottled water contains roughly 240,000 detectable plastic particles including nanoplastics less than one micrometer in size, almost 100 times more than previously estimated. What do you think?https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-bottled-water-contains-100-times-more-plast-1851156403


https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-bottled-water-contains-100-times-more-plast-1851156403 

 Dentist Hurt That Someone Would Deface Magazine Cover Model’s Smile Here Of All Places

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MOUNT PROSPECT, IL—Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places. “What kind of sick person would do this at a dental practice, a place…https://www.theonion.com/dentist-hurt-that-someone-would-deface-magazine-cover-m-1851137456


https://www.theonion.com/dentist-hurt-that-someone-would-deface-magazine-cover-m-1851137456 

 The Text Positivity Issue: Words Of All Sizes And Fonts, Completely Unedited

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https://www.theonion.com/the-text-positivity-issue-words-of-all-sizes-and-fonts-1851156073


https://www.theonion.com/the-text-positivity-issue-words-of-all-sizes-and-fonts-1851156073 

 Report: List Of So-Called Elite Perverts Lacks Star Power

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NEW YORK—Dismissing the long-awaited unsealing of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein as “underwhelming,” sources reported Thursday that the list of so-called elite perverts lacked star power. “Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, David Copperfield—what kind of cabal are they running here?” said sources who…https://www.theonion.com/report-list-of-so-called-elite-perverts-lacks-star-pow-1851140552


https://www.theonion.com/report-list-of-so-called-elite-perverts-lacks-star-pow-1851140552 

 Conservatives Explain Why They Refuse To Commit Crimes In ‘GTA’

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A number of right-wing Twitter users recently expressed their disdain for breaking the law in the video game franchise Grand Theft Auto. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they refuse to commit crimes in GTA, and this is what they said.https://www.theonion.com/conservatives-explain-why-they-refuse-to-commit-crimes-1851085918


https://www.theonion.com/conservatives-explain-why-they-refuse-to-commit-crimes-1851085918 

 Tony Romo Hauntingly Predicts Exact Time And Place Of Jim Nantz’s Death

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Stunning viewers with his prophetic commentary, Tony Romo  predicted on air Sunday the exact time and place that sportscaster Jim Nantz would die. “I’m telling you, Jim—you will leave this world behind on January 2, 2025,” the retired quarterback and color commentator said  in the latest of his…https://www.theonion.com/tony-romo-hauntingly-predicts-exact-time-and-place-of-j-1851071077


https://www.theonion.com/tony-romo-hauntingly-predicts-exact-time-and-place-of-j-1851071077