Me: *whispers* I put pubes on it so we won't have to pay. 😁
 
Mom: You're supposed to do that to food, not at Build-A-Bear 

 This dumbwaiter is large enough to fit 5 entire roast hams, or a human being, if you will
 
Realtor: why are you naked though 

 Boy I know your feet must be tired because you've been running from me ever since I showed up on our first date in a wedding dress 

 The cat left a necktie on the door
 
Don't know if he's in there with a girl cat or a baggie of catnip but I like to think I'm a cool mom 

 Cheesecake so good I had to cross state lines to avoid criminal charges for what I did with the fork afterward 

 HR's report on my behavior in the workplace is just a copy/paste from the Mayo Clinic's alcohol poisoning website.
 
Just so unprofessional. 

 20s: stops buying bottled water, composts all scraps, rides public transit
 
30s: my reusable grocery bag is a plastic Walmart sack that I once scooped dirty kitty litter into 

 A self-driving car but every time you get in with the groceries you just bought, it drives you to your mother-in-law's so she can tell you how you're supposed to cook everything 

 When he hits you so hard on the bottom that ketchup splurts out of your mouth 

 I need a glass of wine so big it comes with a lifeguard 

 Until the day mac & cheese grows on a bush, no, I don't want to go camping with you 

 Anatomically correct gingerbread people named after my co-workers.
 
Every day I bite off another body part. 

 Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for watching "Chopped" contestants try to use the ice cream maker 

 If you buy a 6-pack and I drink it all, did you really let me into your house or is it time you fixed your bedroom window? 

 Workout tip:
 
Hide tacos in the little free libraries along the route to your gym 

 Him: would you like butterscotch?
 
Me: I'll take both 

 Me: so in summary, I'd say I'm most like a cat

Interviewer: because you always land on your feet? 👍

Me: *headbutting the vending machine to show affection*