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 Short of mastering my own distro, there has to be a way to script a fully automated install (of Linux) with my preferences setup and configured.

I'm going to ponder that for a bit... 
 @7502a322 They have something like that for arch but I forgot what it’s called. It’s just preconfigured dotfiles and setups. 
 @7502a322 

Disc cloning won't do it for you? 
 @7502a322 I don't know how to use the tool, but that sounds like a job for Ansible. 
 @7502a322 there is nixOS that @c12cbf36 mentioned that is designed, I believe, for that very thing. 
 @7502a322 
there is. do it once. write down what you did. now you have a script. just have to translate to puppet or something