While researching autism I came across an anxiety syndrome called Avoidant Syndrome and reading the underlying triggers in childhood I suddenly realised, that is exactly what I went through. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201105/cold-people-what-makes-them-way-part-1
@bade302b their stupid choice of a photo for this article angers me.
I do think I'm autistic to some degree and (too late) I see it even more in my brother too - he's dead now as of three years ago. I really wish I had understood that earlier, for both of us.