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 You say you don't have all the solutions, but do you have at least one solution? A hint, an idea? What should we be doing to make Nostr decentralized instead of the outbox/gossip model? 
 Not really, but I’ll try.

I think users should at least have a choice to be in control of where they are writing and reading events.

Clients could analyze relay sets from your follows and recommend a small diverse set that provides x% of coverage without automatically connecting to all of them. The way Yana does it.

We have a lot of massive overlap today where users I follow will each have 20 relays and 18 of them are the same on each list when really only 1 needs to be. Thats an onboarding issue. If we did a better job of prompting relay selection during onboarding and as you follow users, you could end up with a rather diverse and small list that works for your network.

My issue isn’t with intelligent relay selection it’s the automated part with no limitations that doesn’t make any sense to me.