i just want to say first, i finished watching The Essential Church and it made me certain that i need to be at church regularly and that i don't know exactly what i need but i need to be around people who have many routines and systems they use, and for that reason also my feeling is i need to be in an english speaking place to soak it up more effectively because though i've wanted to be involved in the Orthodox around me in my environment in eastern europe the language barrier is hard, i don't think it has helped me. i have felt the need to come back to the church for a long time but this put it over the line,so, thank you and thank Jesus for bringing you to tell me.
Second, i think that my studies of psychopathy and evil in the last 3 years have highlighted a lot of things and key in them is that when you already have Jesus on your side, and it happens, some will have to be martyrs, i'm not disgreeing with that, and it's really inconsequential because if you have to die the first death, like the muslims are overly fond of saying, it is glorious. but i don't think that is the reason to do it and certainly not something to seek out, better to not have the first death or the second death and just skip to the end ( of the trial )
for me, understanding the principle that you can actually ask, and be granted, your humble wishes, is huge, i mean epic, i was already not caring about stupid things like wealth or even company (i have spent most of the last 15 years alone, with only the creatures and God as company) - so what am I saying, most people have still got those trials in front of them but i already had to pass through that, and i attribute most of my durability in this to my God given curiosity, which made me simply too interested in the what and the how to even think about the ordinary things like where i will sleep tonight or if i even have protection
it was only when i started to suffer this recent problem with my muscles and nerves and my vision, it was when my vision started to go funny, and i was in the middle of needing my eyes to work on code, that was what flipped me out
i've mostly found the path through that problem, it was surprising - mostly just about minerals and water, but my big challenge now is to break free of caffeine and alcohol, and part of the problem there is the two things reinforce each other, i drink the caffeine drinks to work, and then i'm nervous and i drink to calm down, and it's a vicious cycle
but through all this, i have affirmatively returned to the Cross and to Jesus, it was just logic, the monotheism at first, and then it went to God, with the prayer, and i was gifted Phillipians 4:6-7 one afternoon as i sat in an esoteric bookstore near the market square in rome near the central station Termini
i'm still not even sure about the "died for our sins" story but the "be ready to die for for God" story is now completely crystalline to me, i can think of no greater glory but to be minced by the machinations of Satan and for my actions to be seen and heard and lead others to stand against that piece of shit scum UGGGGHHHHHRRRRR liar father of all psychopaths, abusing mother fucking pedophile ... idk even what to say, everything i have witnessed in my life, that is evil, that, to me is Satan, or the work or legacy and probably both at the same time
anyhow, i needed to say this to you, probably whatever idk would i say "God told me to say this" no because i have no ego and this is just what comes out of me and i'm not perfect so probably something in it is wrong.