If you want an effortless and non-scary way to custody bitcoin, I think a good recommendation to people is the BitKey. 

Better than recommending the ETF imo. 

 making the leap off zero is the biggest step so I wanna make that as easy as possible  

 BitKey is so easy!  Also, buying an ETF is still being at zero.  All gains, no property though. 

Btw. Love the case of wine I got from you. 

 glad you like it!

it's my girlfriend's dad and I've never met him so I'm not gonna try to push him too hard on an investment  

 Slow and steady wins the race. Cheers.