Oddbean

Losing someone young, or losing an older person while you are young, is always hard. When my father passed away from cancer while I was in my early twenties, it wasn't surprising at all. This fact had been coming for two years, slowly. But when it came, it hurt just as bad. And till this day it still hurts. I was at work and got a call; it was a hospital. They said my father had been suddenly transferred to hospice, and it wasn't looking good. He probably had a week at most. He was in another state. The doctor transferred my father to me on the phone and my father was weakly like, "hey...." and I said hello, and I said I'm coming now. He said, "No don't... uhh.... don't worry... you are far and have work... I'm fine...." I asked then why was he transferred to hospice if things were fine. He was like, "uh well... well you know.... uh.... it's fine...." And I was like, "holy shit I'm coming right now." So I went to my boss and looked at him. I had previously told him that there might be a moment where I would have to just immediately leave without notice, no matter how important the meetings and such, because of my father. So in this moment I literally just looked at him in the middle of a busy day and was like, "I gotta go" and he was like "of course". So I drove there, two hours away and went straight there. My father weakly said on the phone not to go, but he never sounded like that, so I went immediately. I got there, and my father was in a hospital in the death ward, and the guy who greeted me was a pastor rather than a nurse, which was not a great sign. I asked what was going on and he told me straight up that this was not good, that my father was likely dying within a week. So he brings me to my father. My father is barely awake. His memories and statements are all over the place, but I just hold his hand and tell him that it's fine and I love him. I'm just there. He kept fading out and I was like, "it's okay, just relax". He could see me and talk in a rough sentence or two and thanked me for coming, but started to fade away. And then after like 30 minutes, he went fully unconscious. He was still roughly gripping and shaking the bed headboard and so forth but wasn't conscious (and I was like, "Are you all giving him the right pain medicines, this doesn't look good", and even the pastor was like, "yes I have seen many and this is not comfortable" and I was like an angry 23-year-old so I went out in the center area like, "what do all of you even fucking do here?! He is shaking the bedframe and looks in pain, and even the pastor agrees. Holy shit." So I went and got medical attention to deal with this, but felt slow and ineffective at this. They gave him more morphine and it calmed him down, but while it relaxed him, he ultimately didn't wake up again. I spent the next couple hours there, and then left and called various family members for my second round when he was unmoving. I said if they want to see him, come now, in the next day or two. But a little while later after I left, I got a call and was told he had died. Only I (and the nurses) saw him while he was still briefly conscious. During that call itself, I was stoic. I was like, "Yes, I understand. Okay." and then hung up. And then I sat there for like five minutes in silence... and then cried. I got over it quickly and we did the funeral in the following days. My father had been struggling with cancer for years, so this wasn't fully surprising. But what lingered was the memory. It has been 13 years now, and yet whenever I am in my depths I still think of my father. The memory never gets weaker. I think of his love, or I think of how attentive he was, or how accepting he was, or what he would say about my current problems. People we love, live on through us. We remember them so vividly, and we are inspired by them. If he was a lame father, he wouldn't have so many direct memories 13 years later. But because he was a good and close father, he does. All of those memories are gifts. All of them are ways of keeping aspects of that person alive in our world. It's how we remember them in the decades that follow. Their victories, their losses, and everything in between. Virtues they quietly did that you find out later. Virtues you realize only in hindsight how big they were.

I was inspired today due to @jack sharing about his brother. It hit hard and made me decide to rattle on with text about my father, which is the loss that still hits me hard. Imagine losing a child or younger sibling; such a thing would be even harder. For these types of things, one does not forget any time soon. They often live on for decades in memory as though it is still fresh, because they are loved. They continue to inspire.

I lost my little brother recently and both of my parents when they were still young before that. The memories are what we hold on to for comfort when we hear of another’s tragedy and remember again our own. The people we love and have lost live on forever in our hearts and our minds. I always love to read your posts. So raw and real. Thank you 🙏

Mi hermanó falleció de súbito. El COVID había afectado su corazón y no había sido diagnosticado, aún cuando trabajaba en Emergencias. Le dio tres veces y la tercera fue la peor. Recién había cumplido 39 años. Después de dos años y medio, mi hermana y yo aún pensamos en él primero cuando buscamos consejo, ánimo o tantas otras cosas en las cuales él siempre estaba presente para nosotras. Ahora nos llamamos la una a la otra solo para decirnos lo que él nos hubiera dicho. Por sobretodo, extrañamos abrazarlo y reírnos con él. No está aquí, pero todo el amor que sentimos por él sigue intacto.

Thanks for sharing this Lyn. My father passed away unexpectedly almost three years ago. Still feels like it was yesterday and the pain never really goes away. Appreciate your openness… God bless… this post hit me hard

Lovely words Lyn, my father passed 10 years ago and I wasn’t there when he left. I also think of him. He was a deep person but was afraid to show it. I miss the possible chances we may have had to know each other better. I sense him sometimes 🤙

I’ve managed to reach 52 years of age without losing anyone close to me. With the next 5 years lining up to be the first where I say goodbye to both parents, my dear remaining grandmother, and (already) some of my bros due to health issues, your words and advice are golden. Thanks for sharing Lyn.

Thanks for sharing Lyn. I can relate as I was caring for both my Mother and Father who were both dying of cancer at the same time. I was in my early 30’s. My Father fought to the end with every means possible - extending his life by a year but with very difficult treatments. My mother on the other hand just gracefully accepted it and passed very quickly but with a great deal of serenity. I remember my parents everyday by wishing them well every morning after meditation . I will wish for your parents too tomorrow morning.

I agree and share your pain. 🙏 I lost my father after 6 months of faulty cancer treatment. He could have lived longer with us, but the corrupt medical system allowed access to treatment to a young guy who didn't understand the power of a single dose of radiation therapy... so he multiplied and smiled, pressed the button and smiled... My father was drying up and dying every day… and we seemed to be dying with him… I couldn't find and make accountable this guy, only learnt that he was the son of a high-ranking official... this was one of the factors why I became a human rights defender. But it never stops hurting …

I often think about my late grandma and grandpa, being grateful for their love and also wondering what their lives were like, the problems they faced and struggles they had to go through. Looking at their lives from my now adult perspective kind of makes me rediscover them and shines a new way on how I remember them. It also keeps them alive in my memory ☺️🙏🏼

Instincts are powerful and to be trusted. What a tough time that must have been. I’m really glad you got to share those moments and comfort your father, like he no doubt did for you during your youth. You’re an inspiration to a lot of us, with your hard work & intellect. Not only us, but without doubt him also. Enjoy those fonder memories and enjoy your Sunday Lyn

Thank you for sharing. I have lost some dear, dear friends, father figure mother figure brother figure. Not family, but I worry sometimes that I may not grieve some family as I have grieved these. Either for a sense of connectedness, or heaven forbid I become more calloused to loss as I get older. But even among close friendships, these deep connections form and then tear. It’s so hard to face them again after you have tried to continue on and away. Some loses are quick and unexpected: no notice, 12 hrs to process, another a slow fade over 6 months battle with cancer. No way is easier. But you are right. The memories are alive and precious and they live on in us. Each scar represents a gift to have had and lost and grown. Thanks again for sharing.

For something so very, very natural, it never ceases to amaze me how naive about and afraid of death and dying we are made to be. I’m sorry your experience was such that it left a negative lasting impression. The palliative care ward in US hospitals (I sure hope no one else so callously refers to it as the death ward) is simply a place for people who choose comfort-based over life-prolonging treatment. Yes most are near the end of their lives but not all. Trust me that we all reach the point where living as well as possible outweighs living as long as possible. A good physician understands this but it is sadly not a well taught concept in US medical schools. The goal in the US after all is usually to exploit the sick and infirm for as long as possible. Acceptance of death and dying and an understanding of what it involves is a closely guarded secret because if more knew that it was nothing to fear, we wouldn’t make such good captives. #grownostr #deathanddying

Fuck Lyn. Idk if you post more of your heartfelt stuff here but if so, I’m glad you do & it makes me more grateful for Nostr. Thank you for this post. I lost someone dear to me & this just hit home. Thank u thank u thank u 🥹🫡

My Father died from a long struggle with cancer 14 years ago. A similar story of long drives and too much time to think before his passing. Your note brought tears but memories of good times with him. Thank you for sharing. 💜

i always thought it was strange how we don’t get to choose our memories. we remember lots of bad ones yet forget lots of good ones. i agree that the ones that we do keep are for some reason gifts. thx for sharing so candidly, bitcoiners are so lucky to have you.

I sometimes do the same thing as you. Putting significant feelings into words. I feel that looking at myself carefully can be healing. When I think back on things that struck my heartstrings, the memories slowly reappear, so I write them down in as much detail as possible. By doing so, the mind becomes more certain. Being able to see or touch something is not the only way to prove its existence. Maybe, I've never adored anyone, so I envy people like you. Having heart’s home. Until now, I have equated chains that bind with safety rope. That's so stupid.