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 Small, closed distribution list.

Now that's starting to sound limited enough to be practical.

No certainty even your closed list members will honour NIP-09 (or secure their devices against other who might not honour NIP-09), but your odds just improved out of sight. 
 Everything you asked for in your OP remains impossible. Which is unfortunate.

But DM-to-list is a worthy feature, and would provide greater privacy than Kind 1 for some use cases.

There have been several published proposals for DM-to-list, which one do you like best?
 
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