I've had 4 long(ish) term relationships and I have an adult son, who currently lives with me AGAIN🙄😂, he split up with his gf and lost his job in the same month☹️. Anyhow, as I say, I'm lucky to have had those relationships and I'm grateful for them, they have been, largely, good experiences and as you say, life is all about experiences. All of those relationships have ended because of my behavioural issues. I am a very very nice person but when I'm not I'm TERRIBLE!! (Never physically) but I have an explosive temper. Women, rightly, can't understand how I go from being SO nice 95% of the time, to being absolutely fucking horrible, the next. They just can't understand why I'm like that and ultimately, after a given amount of time, they will rightly, put up with it no more. 

I too, find it difficult to reconcile with myself, why I am like this. I've had counselling, I've read books but ultimately, I am who I am and it's up to me to sort it out and change. Something which, up to now, I've not been able to master! 

I hope you now understand why I don't really want another long term relationship till I've sorted this shit out, it would simply not be fair on the other party🫂. 

 I understand and agree to a point, since I reckon that relationship issues can only be sorted inside a connection.
You can do part of the healing on your own, but then you have to be in the "field" to manage to watch yourself doing it and choose not to do it in the moment. Was I clear? 

 Yep, I understand what you're saying🫂.