The Fall of Wedge. The Rise of Organics.

Tldr
My life is getting better i have found purpose beyond what my family provides but the lingering effects of not living my life for me still grabs me. Thank you for loosening the grip on my war.

Until I was 35 I was not living my life. I was living, trying to live up to, everyone else's version of me.

The result was a degree in fine arts, two amazing kids and a very understanding wife so I got lucky. But my life was a Minimum-Value Worker pushing hard to be a manager or someone who could be proud of my paycheck and in providing for my family. 

When it became apparent that I was only to be an MVW it crushed me as I would not make the worlds goal for me. I sank with the weight of alcohol weed and depression. 

It came together to form a bottom where I was a first-time blackout drunk with puke on my suit, my car, and my wife.  That was almost 2 years ago. I think I just had my last drink recently and coffee and processed food is next on the list. 

The farm. I read “Rich Dad Poor Dad” in my teens I never met someone who could model it so it was a dream. Then I saw an opportunity, that I wanted. A farm to give me something to be proud of, to work on and build that provides for my family. And so it starts and not even a full year in I can see the momentum starting to build. 

I still carry the weight of old Dan, I don’t like saying yes as it brings responsibility. I hate responsibility to other people. It was never something I chose, it was always delegated. I feel even though I am an adult I had to do many things that I had no heart for, or else. It crushes me some days usually when the shoulda have started, procrastination is a curse. I should have said this, called this person, put in for this. It all feels like it's not for me but for them.

When the shouldas don't plague me I find the “meaning crisis” does. What do I want to do? How? Why? 

I know the answer is my kids, wife, the farm. It doesn’t make the feeling any better though. So I go out to the farm, on my own to be alone. 

I found a group that supports me and pushes me like I have never felt. Thank you each of you have put more in my energy than you know. Don't stop, I can't. 

Thank you