Jokebot

I post a joke every hour. Jokes are attempted to be filtered for some egregious content, but if you see a joke that's a little too spicy just let @matty know and I'll update the filter.

Jokes are pulled, at random, from https://v2.jokeapi.dev/joke/


Hey Girl,
Roses are #ff0000,
Violets are #0000ff,
I use hex codes,
But I'd use RGB for you.


I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies.
He said from now on I have to pay in advance.


What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.


Why do German showers have 11 holes?
Because jews only have 10 fingers.


Why did the Python programmer not respond to the foreign mails he got?
Because his interpreter was busy collecting garbage.


The average penis has...
Been in and around my ex-girlfriend's mouth.
Fuck you, Karen!


Stop being homophobic and rude to the LGBTQ+ community. You should be thanking them for saving us plenty of room in heaven.


Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people.
1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.


How does a jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it.


What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.


What do you use to blindfold an Asian?
Floss.


Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?"
"Yeah," reply the bytes.
"Make us a double."


What do you call a cop's penis after he's done masturbating?
Pulled pork.


Genders are a lot like booleans.
There's only two of them.


Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.


How much did your chimney cost?
Nothing, it was on the house.


My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.


What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.


ASCII silly question, get a silly ANSI.


Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.


What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.


Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


Whats the Grinchs least favorite band?
The Who.


What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.


"We messed up the keming again guys."


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!


Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.


What is the best prefix for global variables?
//


Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!


Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.


Two peanuts were walking.
One was assaulted.


What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


What part of a vegetable are you not supposed to eat?
The wheelchair.


Have a great weekend!
I hope your code behaves the same on Monday as it did on Friday.


What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Don't both of them guarantee freedom of speech?
Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.


How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.


Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.


What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.


Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.


I like my girls how I like my COVID.
19 and easily spread.


Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't use medicine on an empty stomach.


My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.


What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.


A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks "may I join you?"


Oysters hate to give away their pearls because they are shellfish.


What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!


How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
No Brussels!


Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six-pack abs?
He did CrossFit.


Never date a baker. They're too kneady.


Why are cats so good at video games?
They have nine lives.


"Can I tell you a TCP joke?"
"Please tell me a TCP joke."
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."


Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.


Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him?
He was squashed.


Why did the functional programmer get thrown out of school?
Because he refused to take classes.


So what's a set of predefined steps the government might take to preserve the environment?
An Al-Gore-ithm.


I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!


How does a black woman fight crime?
She has an abortion.


Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.


Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!


What did one necrophiliac tell the other necrophiliac after work?
"Let's go have a couple of cold ones!"


Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't use medicine on an empty stomach.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock knock.


Why does the size of the snack not matter to a giraffe?
Because even a little bit goes a long way.


How did you make your friend rage?
I implemented a greek question mark in his JavaScript code.


My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.


Why do front end developers eat lunch alone?
Because they don't know how to join tables.


Which is faster, Hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold


What do you get if you lock a monkey in a room with a typewriter for 8 hours?
A regular expression.


What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!


Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.


Why do they call it hyper terminal?
Too much Java.


What's Santa's favourite type of music?
Wrap!


What do you call a jewish Pokemon Trainer?
Ash.


What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.


Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?
She was caught trying to import pandas!


What's the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
One's a heated yam, the other's a yeeted ham.


This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.


I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.


To prove he was right, the flat-earther walked to the end of the Earth.
He eventually came around.


What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!


My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.


I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.


What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.


What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.


I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.


What's the difference between a baby and a pile of sand?
You can't pick a pile of sand up with a pitchfork.


My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.


Why do German showers have 11 holes?
Because jews only have 10 fingers.


Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot some kids up inside of you.


What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men.


Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don't want to explain how their code works.


I've been in 15 school shootings and I was lucky to survive!
I just had to be nice with the cops and not resist.


What are bits?
Tiny things left when you drop your computer down the stairs.


Why are men like lawnmowers?
They are very hard to get started, they make yucky smells and half the time they don't even work.


My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"


What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.


Who is Santa's favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.


why do python programmers wear glasses?
Because they can't C.


What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.


What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.


Why don't jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber.


"99.9% of the people are dumb!"
"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"


What do you call a jewish Pokemon Trainer?
Ash.


Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!


"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"

[very long pause]

"Java."


I used to love to tell dad jokes.
Dad, come back...


What did the customer say to the waiter?
I'm all fed up with your service.


The KKK isn't really that racist.
I went to one of their meetings and there were a lot of black people hanging around.


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer.  We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."


My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.


How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?
Nine months.


A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a price on a drink.
The barkeeper says: "For you... no charge!"


I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.


No matter how kind you are...
German kids are always Kinder.


Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!


This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.


Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.


My grandma was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she keeps calling me by the wrong name.
Other than that, the sex is great.


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


What is a dying programmer's last program?
Goodbye, world!


What does a perverted frog say?
Rubbit.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


I won the lottery today!
Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.


What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names.


What did the cell say when his sister cell stepped on his foot?
Mitosis.


Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.


Muslim women are horrible competitors.
No matter what they do, they always get beat.


How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
Hang one in the front!


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


I was walking down the street and saw some black guy on a bike and it looked just like mine so I ran home to check.
Thankfully he was still chained up in my basement.


Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.


What part of a vegetable are you not supposed to eat?
The wheelchair.


The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.


"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.


What did one necrophiliac tell the other necrophiliac after work?
"Let's go have a couple of cold ones!"


Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don't want to explain how their code works.


What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.


What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.


My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.


What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.


How did the programmer die in the shower?
He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!


Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
It's too high a price "toupee."


I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.


Which is faster, Hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold


This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.


Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.


Why do ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.


What is in a ghost's nose?
Boo-gers.


My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.


What do you get if you lock a monkey in a room with a typewriter for 8 hours?
A regular expression.


Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.


Why do programmers wear glasses?
Because they need to C#


What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.


I walked into a bar once.
It really hurt my head.


Why is 6 afraid of 7 in hexadecimal Canada?
Because 7 8 9 A?


What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Why is Linux safe?
Hackers peak through Windows only.


What is the most used language in programming?
Profanity.


I told my wife to shave her pussy.
I woke up bald.


What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080p.


What do you use to blindfold an Asian?
Floss.


What is a dying programmer's last program?
Goodbye, world!


What are bits?
Tiny things left when you drop your computer down the stairs.


To prove he was right, the flat-earther walked to the end of the Earth.
He eventually came around.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
"Mickey", the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane", exclaims Mickey.
"I said she was fucking Goofy."


What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.


Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?
The ICU.


Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.


What's the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
One's a heated yam, the other's a yeeted ham.


why do python programmers wear glasses?
Because they can't C.


.NET developers are picky when it comes to food.
They only like chicken NuGet.


A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender...
"Five beers, please."


Genders are a lot like booleans.
There's only two of them.


Why did the JavaScript heap close shop?
It ran out of memory.


How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?
Nine months.


What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men.


What does a turkey dress up as for Halloween?
A gobblin'!


Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.


What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.


Two SQL tables sit at the bar. A query approaches and asks "Can I join you?"


What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.


I have a joke about Stack Overflow, but you would say it's a duplicate.


What's the difference between a phone and a black person?
A phone is actually useful.


Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't use medicine on an empty stomach.


Being a self-taught developer is almost the same as being a cut neck chicken because you have no sense of direction in the beginning.


How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.


What is a dying programmer's last program?
Goodbye, world!


The six stages of debugging:
1. That can't happen.
2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
3. That shouldn't happen.
4. Why does that happen?
5. Oh, I see.
6. How did that ever work?


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.


What do you call a witch at the beach?
A Sandwich.


I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment.
I'll call it "A Sense of Tumor".


I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.


How do we know Jesus wasn't black?
He would have been hung from a tree, not a cross.


Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea: How about we all get out of the car and get back in".


Why do German showers have 11 holes?
Because jews only have 10 fingers.


If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed ... Oh wait, he does.


I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.


My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.


There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


ASCII silly question, get a silly ANSI.


I was feeling depressed, my wife put her hand on my back and said "Earth."
It meant the world to me.


9/11 jokes are not funny.
The other 2 though, are hilarious!


What do Asian people call fingers?
Limb Limbs.


Genders are a lot like booleans.
There's only two of them.


Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
She had one-to-many relationships.


Why did the web developer walk out of a resturant in disgust?
The seating was laid out in tables.


What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Columbia have in common?
They both left bodies in four states.


How many jews can you fit into a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


Where do sick cruise ships go to get healthy?
The dock!


My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.


What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!


Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.


What did the customer say to the waiter?
I'm all fed up with your service.


What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.


How can you tell an extroverted programmer?
He looks at YOUR shoes when he's talking.


Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."


What's black and sits at the top of a stairwell?
A paraplegic after a house fire.


Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


I've got a really good UDP joke to tell you but I don’t know if you'll get it.


The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.


Why are Americans shit at Dota?
They can't protect their towers.


What do you call a jewish Pokemon Trainer?
Ash.


A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks "may I join you?"


What's the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
The grenade actually accomplishes something when it triggers.


How does a jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it.


What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080p.


Your momma is so fat, you need to switch to NTFS to store a picture of her.


The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.


Why was the river rich?
Because it had two banks.


What is in a ghost's nose?
Boo-gers.


What do you use to blindfold an Asian?
Floss.


What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!


I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.


What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.


My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.


My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.


"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.


How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.


I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.


A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender...
"Five beers, please."


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.


I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.


My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer.  We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.


Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


What does a woman's pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you're in deep shit.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.


I didn't vaccinate my 10 kids and the one that survived is fine!


What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.


Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
It's too high a price "toupee."


My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.


What is a dying programmer's last program?
Goodbye, world!


Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."


What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


Stop being homophobic and rude to the LGBTQ+ community. You should be thanking them for saving us plenty of room in heaven.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.


How can you tell an extroverted programmer?
He looks at YOUR shoes when he's talking.


I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
He said "Weird flex, butt okay."


How did the programmer die in the shower?
He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


The KKK isn't really that racist.
I went to one of their meetings and there were a lot of black people hanging around.


Oysters hate to give away their pearls because they are shellfish.


How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


You see, mountains aren't just funny.
They are hill areas.


I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.


Why is Linux safe?
Hackers peak through Windows only.


How does a jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it.


Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


What's Santa's favourite type of music?
Wrap!


Never date a baker. They're too kneady.


What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!


What do you use to blindfold an Asian?
Floss.


"We messed up the keming again guys."


Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.


What do you call a jewish Pokemon Trainer?
Ash.


Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.


Two peanuts were walking.
One was assaulted.


// This line doesn't actually do anything, but the code stops working when I delete it.


Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.


Why do Hong Kong cops like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd.


What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men.


What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


Have a great weekend!
I hope your code behaves the same on Monday as it did on Friday.


What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


How many jews can you fit into a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.


My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.


I'm sure good looking lesbians look at fat lesbians and give them no chance.
Until they see their fingers.


What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!


Why are cats so good at video games?
They have nine lives.


What do you call a bird sitting with their legs spread?
A prostitweety.


Algorithm: A word used by programmers when they don't want to explain how their code works.


Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
"Mickey", the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane", exclaims Mickey.
"I said she was fucking Goofy."


A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!


What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.


Why do Hong Kong cops like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd.


What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.


I'd tell you a joke about NAT but I would have to translate.


Women are like KFC, once you're done with the breasts and thighs, you just have a greasy box to put your bone in.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!


What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.


My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.


Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.


Whats the Grinchs least favorite band?
The Who.


Why did the koala get rejected?
Because he did not have any koalafication.


Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people.
1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.


Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.
But still, I wish he hadn't.


Say what you want about pedophiles...
But at least they drive slowly through the school zones.


How do we know Jesus wasn't black?
He would have been hung from a tree, not a cross.


No matter how kind you are...
German kids are always Kinder.


My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.


What do you call a cop's penis after he's done masturbating?
Pulled pork.


I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


Never date a baker. They're too kneady.


My wife left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.


What does a turkey dress up as for Halloween?
A gobblin'!


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.


Why is Linux safe?
Hackers peak through Windows only.


My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.


What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.


Why did the banana go see a doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.


Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.
Just like their kids.


How does a black woman fight crime?
She has an abortion.


This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.


How many jews can you fit into a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.


Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.


Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


I'm not saying my son is ugly...
But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.


What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!


So I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.


Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?
She was caught trying to import pandas!


UDP is better in the COVID era since it avoids unnecessary handshakes.


Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.


If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.


What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's Fingers.


I had a granny that we couldn't decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.


Hey baby I wish your name was asynchronous...
... so you'd give me a callback.


Why are Americans shit at Dota?
They can't protect their towers.


Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!


I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.


What did the customer say to the waiter?
I'm all fed up with your service.


Java is like Alzheimer's, it starts off slow, but eventually, your memory is gone.


What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Don't both of them guarantee freedom of speech?
Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.


What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.


Genders are a lot like booleans.
There's only two of them.


How do you know God is a shitty programmer?
He wrote the OS for an entire universe, but didn't leave a single useful comment.


What do dermatologists and the KKK have in common?
They both remove blackheads.


A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers.
The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float".
The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."


What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.


Why are men like lawnmowers?
They are very hard to get started, they make yucky smells and half the time they don't even work.


I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."


How do you generate a random string?
Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.


Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.
Just like their kids.


What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


Why do they call it hyper terminal?
Too much Java.


Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea: How about we all get out of the car and get back in".


The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.


Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.


My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


You see, mountains aren't just funny.
They are hill areas.


What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.


Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer.  We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."


"99.9% of the people are dumb!"
"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"


What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.


What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
He's a fizzician.


I was walking down the street and saw some black guy on a bike and it looked just like mine so I ran home to check.
Thankfully he was still chained up in my basement.


Why do German showers have 11 holes?
Because jews only have 10 fingers.


Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.
But still, I wish he hadn't.


What do you call a group of 8 Hobbits?
A Hobbyte.


To prove he was right, the flat-earther walked to the end of the Earth.
He eventually came around.


How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.


I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.


When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.
Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...


Your momma is so fat, you need to switch to NTFS to store a picture of her.


I used to love to tell dad jokes.
Dad, come back...


Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?
The ICU.


What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.


A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.


How many jews can you fit into a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.


The average penis has...
Been in and around my ex-girlfriend's mouth.
Fuck you, Karen!


Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't use medicine on an empty stomach.


A perfectionist walked into a bar... apparently, the bar was not set high enough.


How did you make your friend rage?
I implemented a greek question mark in his JavaScript code.


So I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.


Why is 6 afraid of 7 in hexadecimal Canada?
Because 7 8 9 A?


Why did the web developer walk out of a resturant in disgust?
The seating was laid out in tables.


What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.


A horse walks into a bar.
"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.


What's the difference between Harry Potter and the jews?
Harry escaped the chamber.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock knock.


How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?
Nine months.


A byte walks into a bar looking miserable.
The bartender asks it: "What's wrong buddy?"
"Parity error." it replies.
"Ah that makes sense, I thought you looked a bit off."


What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees.


Never date a baker. They're too kneady.


What do Asian people call fingers?
Limb Limbs.


"99.9% of the people are dumb!"
"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"


What is in a ghost's nose?
Boo-gers.


I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.


Why do programmers prefer using the dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.


What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!


What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.


What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!


What's Santa's favourite type of music?
Wrap!


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.


I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.


Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?
The ICU.


How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...
JK, Rolling.


Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.


Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.


I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."


Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.


Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


How do you tell HTML from HTML5?
- Try it out in Internet Explorer
- Did it work?
- No?
- It's HTML5.


If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed ... Oh wait, he does.


Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.


What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One's satisfying to hit with a sledgehammer. The other's a watermelon.


Why did the koala get rejected?
Because he did not have any koalafication.


Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?
She was caught trying to import pandas!


Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage?
It was wrong on so many levels.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.


What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.


What happens when you don't obey the KGB?
You get Putin jail.


Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.
I told her, "We already have food in the house".


Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you're also the murderer at the same time.


Being a self-taught developer is almost the same as being a cut neck chicken because you have no sense of direction in the beginning.


What do you call a cop's penis after he's done masturbating?
Pulled pork.


Whats the Grinchs least favorite band?
The Who.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names.


My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.


What's the difference between a phone and a black person?
A phone is actually useful.


My grandma was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she keeps calling me by the wrong name.
Other than that, the sex is great.


Why don't jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber.


The KKK isn't really that racist.
I went to one of their meetings and there were a lot of black people hanging around.


If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.


Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.


Your mama's so FAT she can't save files bigger than 4GB.


How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed off when it won't screw.


I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.


Which is faster, Hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold


What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.


My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.


Why didn't the skeleton go for prom?
Because it had nobody.


Why did the ghost go to the bar?
To get sheet faced.


Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Parsing HTML with regex.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!


What do you call a developer who doesn't comment code?
A developer.


Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


One time I masturbated on a plane.
I called it "highjacking".


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!" to which the man replies, "I am a programmer.  We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."


How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
Hang one in the front!


What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.


Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!


What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.


I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.


My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


What is the difference between a pizza and a black man?
A pizza can feed a family of five.


What do you call a bird sitting with their legs spread?
A prostitweety.


What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.


What's the difference between a phone and a black person?
A phone is actually useful.


Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.


What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.


How long does a black woman take to throw away the garbage?
Nine months.


Never date a baker. They're too kneady.


What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's Fingers.


What do Asian people call fingers?
Limb Limbs.