sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me 

 California legislature: we passed a bill so blind orphans will no longer be thrown down storm drains

Gavin Newsom:

https://media.mas.to/masto-public/media_attachments/files/111/213/508/234/578/864/original/5e1bb96c337b807f.png 

 2003: I found a neat website, if I want my friends to see it I'll have to email them the link 

2013: wow, so many social media sites where I can easily share things with friends!

2023: I found a neat website, if I want my friends to see it I'll have to email them the link 

 scrapping the term '15 minute cities' and exclusively referring to them as 'cities where you can just walk to the post office and then pick up your prescription and maybe stop and get a little treat on your way home" because some of you caught brain worms on Facebook 

 Dianne Feinstein, "Donald Duck"
Yaccarino, cybertruck
Finally caught the guy who murdered Tupac Shakur
Fetterman puts on a tie
New Yorkers stay inside or die
The rich keep getting richer and you'll always be poor

we didn't start the fire... 

 hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave 

 the current job market: thanks for applying, candidate #24,568. unfortunately for you, we have selected an internal candidate. do not bother us again. 

the current job market in healthcare: thanks for coming in for an interview! the doors are locked and you work here now 

 “you need to be prepared for Hurricane Lee”

I have been almost completely feral since March of 2020, it is Hurricane Lee that needs to be prepared for me 

 male celebs divorcing their wives: unfortunately she turned 26 :(

female celebs divorcing their husbands: we are committed to being the best possible coparenting team for our children :) also he likes to smoke meth and force me to kneel on the train tracks at knifepoint 

 born too early to explore the stars, born too late to explore the living room of a home that I was able to buy with my own money