I have a whale tattooed on my butt.
It used to be a dolphin. 

 'Love Shack' - B-52's.
https://youtu.be/9SOryJvTAGs?si=o3WBEe4WdOQA2vQk 

 

https://files.mastodonapp.uk/media_attachments/files/111/175/654/658/265/758/original/78ff5b29757be71c.jpg 

 I'm like an old phone battery. Even when I charge myself overnight for 10 hours, by 10am I'm at 60%. 

 The psychiatrist asked me to rate my dreams from 1 to 10, where 1 is Martin Luther King and 10 is Freddy Krueger. 

 He failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act. 

 If you get a mouse infestation spray WD40 on them. It probably won't get rid of them but it stops them squeaking. 

 My dog could be a guide dog, as long as you don't care where you're going. 

 Just found out 'aaaarrrrrgggghhh' isn't a real word.
I can't tell you how angry I am. 

 "Others have seen what is and asked why. I have seen what could be and asked why not." - Pablo Picasso 

 My half brother and I aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore. 

 

https://files.mastodonapp.uk/media_attachments/files/111/141/513/266/616/328/original/4895e34c7bfdb394.jpg 

 You know you're getting old when your ears have more hair than your head. 

 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 

 Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half. 

 

https://files.mastodonapp.uk/media_attachments/files/111/079/244/722/750/243/original/58d991f10d4024e3.jpg 

 'Harvest Moon' - Neil Young.
https://youtu.be/n2MtEsrcTTs?si=TY-F2_vLcMNHQ4Kr 

 Considering the hectic pace of life these days, it's amazing how many people still find the time to annoy me. 

 I promised myself I'd do things differently today. So I'm sitting at the other end of the couch. 

 I don't have all my ducks in a row. In fact I don't know where most of them are, and I'm pretty sure one of them is a pigeon anyway. 

 Sorry I missed your text, I actually saw it immediately and didn't want to reply too fast and then forgot about it. 

 He used to teach origami, but, there was too much paperwork.