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 I don't always get lucky but this one time I did find a few fries under my car seat when I was between pay periods. 

 Pet Monkey is a noun, a verb, and a date ender. 

 “I saw that.” 

-Karma 

 If I swallow magnets, will I become attractive? 

 New for fall, pumpkin spiced possum 

 I wish my wallet was as fat as I am. 

 Roosters are just edible alarm clocks. 

 I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym. 

 People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away. 

 What doesn't kill you at least makes you fun at parties... 

 I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate 
that I ate. 

 @9a8f090b 🤣 Nailed it! 

 Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle are horrible tippers. They rarely leave 10%, even for adequate service. 

 When nobody is home, I like to bury myself in the garden and pretend I'm a carrot. 

 FUN FACT: The song "Hurt So Good" was written after John Mellencamp ate too much spicy Mexican food. 

 I went to a nearby smoke shop and found it was replaced by an apparel store.
Clothes, but no cigar. 

 

https://static.noagendasocial.com/media_attachments/files/111/177/617/325/702/788/original/e6623e1b0ae86ce0.png 

 Was just told by a co  worker that I am number one.  He used the wrong finger but it's the thought that counts... 

 My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch. 

 I thought about a career as a counterfeiter, until I found out that you cant make any real money at that. 

 https://www.wkrn.com/entertainment-news/never-before-seen-photos-videos-released-in-tupac-shakur-murder-case/ 

 

https://static.noagendasocial.com/media_attachments/files/111/171/608/341/401/658/original/f6357142c56784b8.png 

 It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality." 

 My voice sounds great when I’m singing with my earphones on, Then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus. 

 Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief 

 Sarcasm: because murder charges are expensive. 

 https://www.newsweek.com/laphonza-butler-californoa-residence-questions-gavin-newsom-dianne-feinstein-1831243?utm_source=ground.news&utm_medium=referral 

 

https://static.noagendasocial.com/media_attachments/files/111/165/869/077/293/608/original/a315b2b24bdcdd13.png 

 Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween, they are terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are better for the environment 🤷‍♂️ 

 Everyone lies on their resume but I fear I may have gone overboard with 'immortal' and 'shoots lasers from eyes' and 'hardworking'. 

 My time machine and I go way back 

 "What mess?"

~Men 

 Let's take a step back and rethink this.

-me to everyone at this get together that only wants veggies on the pizza. 

 With a history of saying the wrong thing almost every day, it's amazing that my wife is still surprised each time I slip up 

 So I am guessing you would call chicken testicles fowl balls. 

 The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate 

 I'm having an out of money experience. 

 I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a donut. 

 I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni. 

 Whenever I see a teenager, I can’t help thinking… holy crap… was I really THAT stupid once? 

 My friend says that I've lost touch with reality but I told the pillow, that was absurd and to lower his voice before he woke the avocado. 

 Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, watches you while you sleep, and everyone adores him. But when I do it ONE time... 

 It's an honor being chosen as one of the "Ones to Watch in 2023" by my bank's security team. 

 

https://static.noagendasocial.com/media_attachments/files/111/150/425/575/358/040/original/71d71c19c2611e15.jpeg 

 https://fox59.com/news/national-world/man-connected-to-suspected-shooter-in-tupac-shakurs-killing-arrested-in-las-vegas/ 

 The way I feel when a waiter brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father. 

 My sinuses are under so much pressure Vanilla Ice just ripped them off. 

 I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle. 

 "Whatever you say, Old Spice."

-David Beckham getting the last word in a fight with Victoria 

 Police are investigating Hugh Hefner's death. They suspect fore play may have been involved. 

 https://www.theepochtimes.com/health/vitamin-d-treatment-improved-condition-of-covid-19-patients-study-finds-5500363?ea_src=frontpage&ea_med=lead-special-health-medium-0