When life closes a window, IT opens a ticket. 

 Going to open up a barber shop and call it Hairy Styles. 

 Don't make me bust a CAPS lock in your ass. 

 Despite your stance on gun regulation, everyone's got to be for private ownership and no background checks for the Taco Bell sour cream gun. 

 It must be exhausting to be monogamous and live in a swing state. 

 The fashion police wear argyle bullet proof vests when patrolling the denim district. 

 No, sorry, I wang chunged last night. 

 If you thought the character of the crazy General Jack D. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove wasn’t believable, you should listen to some of the stuff General Michael Flynn says. 

 People are saying if you get the COVID-19 vaccine, it implants a chip in you. I just hope it’s a Cool Ranch Dorito. 

 It’s raining men. In case you needed more proof that climate change is real. 

 Can I live off the grid and still be on Mastodon?