Parenting in the smartphone age brings unexpected challenges. From toddlers fixated on digital screens during potty training to the impact of "constant connectivity" on family life. Are smartphones solving problems or creating new ones in early childhood?
https://slate.com/life/2024/05/smartphone-parenting-toddler-potty-training.html
Women are not only ahead in planning the family’s tasks, but they also remember (and organize) those of the rest of the family members: "Did you call the pediatrician?", "Did you find out if we can take the dog or where to leave it for the vacations?", and a long list of etceteras. This leads to what is commonly referred to as "hidden mental load".
And no, my friend, women do not have a factory setup that makes them better at these tasks than men. It's not much of a mystery: these are skills that are acquired and developed with practice. There is no special female biology, which men were denied in their DNA that comes with remarkable domestic or caregiving skills (or for everything we men don't do because they supposedly do it better).
More here: https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/what-is-the-invisible-work-that-we
On a global level, women do 76.2% of all of the care work which is not remunerated, dedicating 3.2 times more time to these tasks than men, according to the International Labour Organisation (ILO).
As an exercise, let’s ask ourselves: Who is researching, looking for, finding, choosing and closing the deal on a specialist, pediatrician or therapist to cover the range of needs at different stages of childhood? Who skips work when a child gets sick and can’t go to school? And why is it like this?
Women are not only ahead in planning the family’s tasks, but they also remember (and organize) those of the rest of the family members: "Did you call the pediatrician?", "Did you find out if we can take the dog or where to leave it for the vacations?", and a long list of etceteras. This leads to what is commonly referred to as "hidden mental load".
And no, my friend, women do not have a factory setup that makes them better at these tasks than men. It's not much of a mystery: these are skills that are acquired and developed with practice. There is no special female biology, which men were denied in their DNA that comes with remarkable domestic or caregiving skills (or for everything we men don't do because they supposedly do it better).
I appreciate your perspective and the thoughtfulness behind it. You're right that data can be manipulated, and in today's world, misinformation spreads quickly, especially with AI making it easier to create convincing yet false narratives. I agree that trusting the source is just as important as the information itself. As for our differing opinions, I absolutely agree that it's okay to disagree. Life experiences, education, and personal observations shape how we see things, and while I may lean on data for insights, it doesn't mean I'm dismissing the value of personal experience or intuition. You're right that we both could be wrong, or right, or not have all the answers—and that's part of being human.
When it comes to understanding women, I think it's crucial for all of us, men included, to approach things with humility and openness. The complexity of individuals, regardless of gender, often goes beyond data or assumptions, and that's something we both can agree on. Thanks for engaging in this discussion thoughtfully.
That being said, while I understand where you're coming from, there’s an important distinction between healthy skepticism and dismissing evidence altogether. Data itself isn't inherently flawed—it's how we interpret and apply it that matters. By focusing only on subjective experiences or behavior-based assumptions, there's a risk of reinforcing biases or making sweeping generalizations that may not be entirely accurate.
You mention trusting data as the "end all be all" of truth, but I think you might be oversimplifying. Data can be a tool, not a doctrine. It's just one way of seeking understanding. You also seem to dismiss the role of collective research and evidence-based conclusions, which, while imperfect, have advanced our understanding of many complex issues, including gender dynamics.
Lastly, your point about "wild assumptions about women" feels a bit off. While no one, including men, can fully comprehend another group’s experience, it’s not just about assumptions. It’s about making an effort to understand, listen, and respect what women themselves say about their capabilities, not relying on outdated stereotypes or one's own limited perspective. True wisdom comes from an openness to the full range of human experience, not just our own.
A good start is asking ourselves several questions:
Why does one of us do the job better than the other? Do I have a natural talent for cleaning bathrooms? Why doesn’t the other one want to learn how to do that? And what’s behind it? A lack of trust? Reproducing co-dependency conditions? A rush of territorial control?
If what I do — remunerated work or knowing everything about my children — gives me a determined role and space in a relationship, what happens if I let it go? Can I become expendable, or less desirable?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/the-invisible-labor-of-motherhood
It’s hard to strike a balance between how hard it is to be a father versus the joy and wholesomeness of having children. The yin and yang to paternity always fall short: either you whinge too much, or you’re too much of a romanticist.
How do you avoid the binaries which are so definitive of this era - that you don’t have to be A or B, but rather A and B (and C, and all of the alphabet together). How to achieve stability and harmony between the opposing, different, complementary and interconnected forces that coexist in #parenthood?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/public-complaint-private-joy
U.S. psychologist Joshua Ziesel described his effort to be more egalitarian by organizing his daughter's birthday. How hard could it be?
It is basic arithmetic: if the man takes over more tasks, the other person will do less. Why? Because it is the just and equitable thing to do.
What is the invisible work that we men have trouble seeing?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/what-is-the-invisible-work-that-we
A reader of my newsletter shared (thanks, C!) this scene from the sketch show Inside Amy Schumer with me.
A group of friends are happily boasting about their sex lives — but no one likes it when the topic switches to what one of them liked to do behind closed doors with his wife.
What do you think about?
https://youtu.be/iYWAHf0Oesc?si=QadARxDv1HGVrOpF
“My sons Augie and Levi, now ages 11 and 7, have pushed me to leave the cocoon of my own subjective experience and observe the world with a newfound intensity and sensitivity. I’ve learned how to pay better attention to others and, ultimately, myself. People go on meditation retreats, long hikes in the forest, travel continents, or read great books to discover such things. I’ve tried and benefited from all of those, but none of them have led me to as much insight and expansion as being a parent,” said Elissa Strauss.
How did having children change your life?
https://elissa.substack.com/p/having-kids-hurt-my-career-but-not
Less macho but more free
I want to write what I would have liked to read when I felt lost in my first year as a father, when I didn't realize I was going through an identity crisis with no role models to follow.
But in addition to questioning gender roles in childcare, Recalculating wants to address other issues that are important to men (issues such as sexual harassment, pornography, homophobia or bullying).
In no way do I intend to position myself as a judge of what is right. I want to shake off stereotypes and, a bit like children, to ask ourselves again why this or that is so and so.
My starting point is to accept what I don't know, trying to be transparent and honest. I do this because I want to and because I can. And I do this from my place of privilege: that of a white, middle-class man who has always been attracted to women, is married and has a son.
Hopefully this is a space to open doors and possibilities, a place that helps us think about how and why we men do things. To question what kind of men we want to be and improve how we behave. To recalculate and find new courses that make us less macho but more free.
I hope that my personal disorientation and discomfort will spark my personal review and change which, hopefully, will contribute towards a collective process. Because, above all, I imagine that it will be something collective that will guide us towards a more inclusive, fairer and more equitable path. For that purpose, it is fundamental to join up voices.
This is how Recalculating begins. As a permanent invitation to dialogue. I would love for you to share your thoughts and learn from you, by listening to what you have to say and having you correct my mistakes. I would love for us to be in touch and to create a community that helps us improve. Will you help me?
#fatherhood
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/this-is-where-recalculating-begins
Hello everyone! I’m new here #introduction. I’m a nomad journalist writing Recalculating, a very personal newsletter about fatherhood and masculinity. But… What is Recalculating? Who am I? My goal? Why subscribe?
All these here: https://ipereyra.substack.com/about
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