A good start is asking ourselves several questions:
Why does one of us do the job better than the other? Do I have a natural talent for cleaning bathrooms? Why doesn’t the other one want to learn how to do that? And what’s behind it? A lack of trust? Reproducing co-dependency conditions? A rush of territorial control?
If what I do — remunerated work or knowing everything about my children — gives me a determined role and space in a relationship, what happens if I let it go? Can I become expendable, or less desirable?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/the-invisible-labor-of-motherhood
It’s hard to strike a balance between how hard it is to be a father versus the joy and wholesomeness of having children. The yin and yang to paternity always fall short: either you whinge too much, or you’re too much of a romanticist.
How do you avoid the binaries which are so definitive of this era - that you don’t have to be A or B, but rather A and B (and C, and all of the alphabet together). How to achieve stability and harmony between the opposing, different, complementary and interconnected forces that coexist in #parenthood?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/public-complaint-private-joy
U.S. psychologist Joshua Ziesel described his effort to be more egalitarian by organizing his daughter's birthday. How hard could it be?
It is basic arithmetic: if the man takes over more tasks, the other person will do less. Why? Because it is the just and equitable thing to do.
What is the invisible work that we men have trouble seeing?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/what-is-the-invisible-work-that-we
A reader of my newsletter shared (thanks, C!) this scene from the sketch show Inside Amy Schumer with me.
A group of friends are happily boasting about their sex lives — but no one likes it when the topic switches to what one of them liked to do behind closed doors with his wife.
What do you think about?
https://youtu.be/iYWAHf0Oesc?si=QadARxDv1HGVrOpF
“My sons Augie and Levi, now ages 11 and 7, have pushed me to leave the cocoon of my own subjective experience and observe the world with a newfound intensity and sensitivity. I’ve learned how to pay better attention to others and, ultimately, myself. People go on meditation retreats, long hikes in the forest, travel continents, or read great books to discover such things. I’ve tried and benefited from all of those, but none of them have led me to as much insight and expansion as being a parent,” said Elissa Strauss.
How did having children change your life?
https://elissa.substack.com/p/having-kids-hurt-my-career-but-not
Less macho but more free
I want to write what I would have liked to read when I felt lost in my first year as a father, when I didn't realize I was going through an identity crisis with no role models to follow.
But in addition to questioning gender roles in childcare, Recalculating wants to address other issues that are important to men (issues such as sexual harassment, pornography, homophobia or bullying).
In no way do I intend to position myself as a judge of what is right. I want to shake off stereotypes and, a bit like children, to ask ourselves again why this or that is so and so.
My starting point is to accept what I don't know, trying to be transparent and honest. I do this because I want to and because I can. And I do this from my place of privilege: that of a white, middle-class man who has always been attracted to women, is married and has a son.
Hopefully this is a space to open doors and possibilities, a place that helps us think about how and why we men do things. To question what kind of men we want to be and improve how we behave. To recalculate and find new courses that make us less macho but more free.
I hope that my personal disorientation and discomfort will spark my personal review and change which, hopefully, will contribute towards a collective process. Because, above all, I imagine that it will be something collective that will guide us towards a more inclusive, fairer and more equitable path. For that purpose, it is fundamental to join up voices.
This is how Recalculating begins. As a permanent invitation to dialogue. I would love for you to share your thoughts and learn from you, by listening to what you have to say and having you correct my mistakes. I would love for us to be in touch and to create a community that helps us improve. Will you help me?
#fatherhood
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/this-is-where-recalculating-begins
Hello everyone! I’m new here #introduction. I’m a nomad journalist writing Recalculating, a very personal newsletter about fatherhood and masculinity. But… What is Recalculating? Who am I? My goal? Why subscribe?
All these here: https://ipereyra.substack.com/about
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