Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!


Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.


Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.


Never reveal your best argument.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.


Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
	Californians trying to share the experience.


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


Your supervisor is thinking about you.


Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


You will never know hunger.


Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain


Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.


You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.


Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.


You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"


Is this really happening?


You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will soon forget this.


By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.


You teach best what you most need to learn.


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


You have a truly strong individuality.


It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


Small things make base men proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


You fill a much-needed gap.


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.


Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will not be elected to public office this year.


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


Stay away from hurricanes for a while.


You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.


Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.


You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.


You enjoy the company of other people.


Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.


Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.


I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.


You are as I am with You.


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.


Excellent day to have a rotten day.


You have a truly strong individuality.


You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.


"What's this?  Trix?  Aunt!  Trix?  You?  You're after the prize!  What
is it?"  He picked up the box and studied the back.  "A glow-in-the-dark
squid!  Have you got it out of there yet?"  He tilted the box, angling the
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
them onto the table top.  "Here it is!"  He hauled out a little cream-colored,
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
		-- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


Be different: conform.


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.


You are capable of planning your future.


Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.


He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.


Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
advice, it is merely custom.
		-- Mark Twain


Avoid reality at all costs.


A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.


He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.


You will be surrounded by luxury.


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain


Stay away from flying saucers today.


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


You will inherit millions of dollars.


Today is what happened to yesterday.


You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare


You will be surrounded by luxury.


There was a phone call for you.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"


At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats


You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


Never give an inch!


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:	Chewing gum.


A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"


Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
	light bulb?
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
	given all light bulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.


Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.


You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


You will gain money by a fattening action.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


You should go home.


I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
		-- T.S. Eliot


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.


Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
		-- Mark Twain


Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
		-- Mark Twain


Your present plans will be successful.


I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens


Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.


Are you making all this up as you go along?


You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.


A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess


Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"


Chicken Little only has to be right once.


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


You have been selected for a secret mission.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


What happened last night can happen again.


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
		-- Samuel Johnson


Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
		-- Shakespeare


You are the only person to ever get this message.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


Change your thoughts and you change your world.


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


You teach best what you most need to learn.


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


You will be divorced within a year.


You will gain money by an illegal action.


Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal


By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain


You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.


Be different: conform.


What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain


Big book, big bore.
		-- Callimachus


Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.


For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


Your step will soil many countries.


You will step on the night soil of many countries.


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
		-- Mark Twain


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain


He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.


No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"


Is this really happening?


You will be awarded some great honor.


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.


Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


You will be run over by a beer truck.


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain


You have taken yourself too seriously.


Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
		-- Arthur Clarke


There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


You are fairminded, just and loving.


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


Patch griefs with proverbs.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.


A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"


Never reveal your best argument.


Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


You are standing on my toes.


You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain


You will live to see your grandchildren.


You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.


Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.


Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).


Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!


The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.


Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


Your step will soil many countries.


You fill a much-needed gap.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...


Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]


Courage is your greatest present need.


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.


This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.


"What's this?  Trix?  Aunt!  Trix?  You?  You're after the prize!  What
is it?"  He picked up the box and studied the back.  "A glow-in-the-dark
squid!  Have you got it out of there yet?"  He tilted the box, angling the
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
them onto the table top.  "Here it is!"  He hauled out a little cream-colored,
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
		-- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"


Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


I do desire we may be better strangers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.


Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.


Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.


Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.


Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.


Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.


Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
	light bulb?
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
	given all light bulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"


It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"


Are you making all this up as you go along?


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


You will be married within a year.


Chess tonight.


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


Exercise caution in your daily affairs.


You will wish you hadn't.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.


October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Be different: conform.


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.


Stay away from flying saucers today.


You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.


Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.


You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.


You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.


Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.


Good day to let down old friends who need help.


You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


Your love life will be... interesting.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


You are always busy.


Everything will be just tickety-boo today.


Never look up when dragons fly overhead.


The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain


Advancement in position.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:	A corpse.


When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84


I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
		-- Mark Twain


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.


The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:	So they can dress like pimps.


Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson


When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.


Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.


You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.


If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
		-- Mark Twain


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.


He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.


You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"


Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?


Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.


Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


You'll be sorry...


You will be surprised by a loud noise.


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


Beware of Bigfoot!


English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse


Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't read everything you believe.


There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


You will be awarded some great honor.


Excellent time to become a missing person.


Beware the one behind you.


Chicken Little only has to be right once.


You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.


You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.


You will triumph over your enemy.


You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"


Your love life will be... interesting.


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.


Do not overtax your powers.


Your lover will never wish to leave you.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


There is a fly on your nose.


Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.


Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.


Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.


You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.


You look tired.


Beware of low-flying butterflies.


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


You are the only person to ever get this message.


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.


All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
		-- Samuel Beckett


Never reveal your best argument.


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


You will be singled out for promotion in your work.


Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain


You will inherit millions of dollars.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!


I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe


Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a truly strong individuality.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.


You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.


Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.


All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain


Your supervisor is thinking about you.


You enjoy the company of other people.


Give him an evasive answer.


Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess


You love peace.


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.


Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.


It was all so different before everything changed.


You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.


The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


You're almost as happy as you think you are.


You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round.  Usurper.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"


Your lucky color has faded.


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
	lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski

	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
	feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
	-- by Homer

	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.


In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
		sunglasses?
A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.


You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain


Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"


The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things.  It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Look afar and see the end from the beginning.


You'll be sorry...


You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.


The time is right to make new friends.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:	To be or not to be.
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain


Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.


Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler


Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.


The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.


You have been selected for a secret mission.


Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.


You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"


If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
		-- Mark Twain


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.


Beware of Bigfoot!


Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


So this is it.  We're going to die.


You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
		-- Mark Twain


Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


Exercise caution in your daily affairs.


You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal


It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?


The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.


You are going to have a new love affair.


You are capable of planning your future.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry


An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"


And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?


Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.


You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.


The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


You are the only person to ever get this message.


You will have long and healthy life.


Your domestic life may be harmonious.


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.


You are confused; but this is your normal state.


Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


You will inherit millions of dollars.


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.


You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


You will soon forget this.


Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.


You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.


It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.


Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.


Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.


Courage is your greatest present need.


O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
		-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"


Today is what happened to yesterday.


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


You have been selected for a secret mission.


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.


Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


You fill a much-needed gap.


You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.


You're at the end of the road again.


You will forget that you ever knew me.


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.


Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler


Be careful!  Is it classified?


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.


The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
		-- Mark Twain


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


You will gain money by an immoral action.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.


Cold hands, no gloves.


You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.


You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.


If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!


You should go home.


You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


It's all in the mind, ya know.


You will live to see your grandchildren.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


You will not be elected to public office this year.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out forest fires.

Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.


Your love life will be... interesting.


Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.


If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


Do not overtax your powers.


Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)


Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


You will gain money by an immoral action.


Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.


Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.


You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?


A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.


The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"


All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


Don't Worry, Be Happy.
		-- Meher Baba


Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
		-- Shakespeare


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


Your supervisor is thinking about you.


At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats


Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Cold hands, no gloves.


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.


Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Beware of Bigfoot!


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.


You will be run over by a beer truck.


Reply hazy, ask again later.


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"


Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.


Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:	Chewing gum.


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


You're almost as happy as you think you are.


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.


You will be divorced within a year.


You look tired.


Your domestic life may be harmonious.


Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
A:	One leg is both the same.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


You will be awarded some great honor.


You have been selected for a secret mission.


You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.


Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.


Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain


"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"


Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry


Beware the one behind you.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.


Chicken Little only has to be right once.


I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.


Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


You are as I am with You.


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round.  Usurper.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"


Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.


Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain


If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.


You will be surrounded by luxury.


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.


Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"


He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.