The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
		-- John Milton


Boo! Goes the Christmas Ghost!


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You will be successful in love.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


You are capable of planning your future.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"


The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.


Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.


Be careful!  Is it classified?


Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Advancement in position.


Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Your lucky number has been disconnected.


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.


I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.


Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


Your domestic life may be harmonious.


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.


You will get what you deserve.


Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"


You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.


It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You too can wear a nose mitten.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.


Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"


Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.


Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens


There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain


"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain


Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
	sheep bites you?
A:	Ewe nicks.


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


You enjoy the company of other people.


You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.


Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.


It's all in the mind, ya know.


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson


You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


Patch griefs with proverbs.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.


An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
		-- Mark Twain


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.


Snow Day -- stay home.


The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


You will wish you hadn't.


Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:	A howdah duty.


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.


Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?


The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
		   novel.


Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.


You are capable of planning your future.


Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain


You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]


Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


Don't get to bragging.


You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J. R. R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.


Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


You dialed 5483.


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.


No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes


You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"


You have a truly strong individuality.


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain


Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Many pages make a thick book.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.


Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."


You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.


In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.


Courage is your greatest present need.


Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
	with brightly colored machine tools.

	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.


You will triumph over your enemy.


Make a wish, it might come true.


You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.


It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


Never give an inch!


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse


A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


Small things make base men proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will be singled out for promotion in your work.


This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.


All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


You enjoy the company of other people.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Make a wish, it might come true.


Just to have it is enough.


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.


For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system overview.]


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.


Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain


"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


You will be surrounded by luxury.


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"


Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One and a half.


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"


You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.


What happened last night can happen again.


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


There is a fly on your nose.


You are going to have a new love affair.


Too much is just enough.
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Long life is in store for you.


Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


"What's this?  Trix?  Aunt!  Trix?  You?  You're after the prize!  What
is it?"  He picked up the box and studied the back.  "A glow-in-the-dark
squid!  Have you got it out of there yet?"  He tilted the box, angling the
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
them onto the table top.  "Here it is!"  He hauled out a little cream-colored,
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
		-- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!


	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Your aim is high and to the right.


You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


Don't read everything you believe.


The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.


"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain


Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain


You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...


Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"


It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain


Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.


Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.


You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.


You may be recognized soon.  Hide.


You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.


For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"


Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.


Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


You should go home.


You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.


Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


Your step will soil many countries.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


There was a phone call for you.


You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


Everything will be just tickety-boo today.


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain


So this is it.  We're going to die.


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain


Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.


You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.


Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.


You are standing on my toes.


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.


The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain


You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.


Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.


You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"


Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
	with brightly colored machine tools.

	[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.


F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."


Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.


Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.


You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.


I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
		-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
		   on the topic of school textbooks


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.


Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.


Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:	Because that was her name.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.


Stay away from hurricanes for a while.


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Patch griefs with proverbs.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.


Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde


You are confused; but this is your normal state.


So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"


Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


You will be successful in love.


You will feel hungry again in another hour.


There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.


You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.


Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...


Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
	Californians trying to share the experience.


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.


Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.


You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.


Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne


There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


If you can read this, you're too close.


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra


Reply hazy, ask again later.


Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will have long and healthy life.


Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.


You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.


Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.


For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to powerfail recovery.]


Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.


For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


So this is it.  We're going to die.


Never give an inch!


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:	To get to the other slide.


Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.


Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


You fill a much-needed gap.


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


Your lover will never wish to leave you.


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.


Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.


Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:	So they can dress like pimps.


F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."


He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll


You will pass away very quickly.


You will soon forget this.


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"


You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.


October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?


Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...


Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.


Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"


Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
		-- Mark Twain


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
		-- Samuel Beckett


You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!


You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.


You fill a much-needed gap.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


Your present plans will be successful.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.


Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.


Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.


Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.


Is this really happening?


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


It was all so different before everything changed.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


Chess tonight.


Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


You will step on the night soil of many countries.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


Condense soup, not books!


You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.


You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.


All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.


It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice


You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.


October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J. R. R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


Every why hath a wherefore.
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"


Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?


Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.


A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.


The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:	A corpse.


Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


Your love life will be happy and harmonious.


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A:	Go west, young man, go west!
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?


Are you a turtle?


Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.


His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"


You teach best what you most need to learn.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


You will wish you hadn't.


You will be run over by a bus.


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"


A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.


In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
		   novel.


Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.


You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


You're at the end of the road again.


Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.


Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.


If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.


No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
		-- Mark Twain


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.


Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


Small things make base men proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Chess tonight.


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.


You will be divorced within a year.


A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


You will have a long and boring life.


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Knock, knock!
	Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
	Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...


You will be married within a year.


You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.


Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.


Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.


It's all in the mind, ya know.


It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"


But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.


Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:	He changes the domain.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.


Beware of Bigfoot!


Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:	Zorn's Lemon.


Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.


An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:	Take away his credit cards.


You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice


Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.


The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal


It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.


A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.


You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain


Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.


You will be singled out for promotion in your work.


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"


I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens


You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.


You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?


Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will wish you hadn't.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You will pioneer the first Martian colony.


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.


Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A:	Trustworthy.


This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
		-- Arthur Clarke


You are capable of planning your future.


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.


You will be singled out for promotion in your work.


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.


Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


You will triumph over your enemy.


You have no real enemies.


Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.


Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:	Zorn's Lemon.


Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.


Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.


Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.


Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.


They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!


A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"


Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.


Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...


The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.


A morgue is a morgue is a morgue.  They can paint the walls with aggressively
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks.  Not that I
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed.  The relentless
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.


Snow Day -- stay home.


Avoid reality at all costs.


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.


Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Save energy: be apathetic.


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.  Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to.  Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Too much is just enough.
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey


You are fairminded, just and loving.


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Stay away from hurricanes for a while.


In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.


Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.


	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
	"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain


Excellent time to become a missing person.


You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.


Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Q:	How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
	light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
	to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
	reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
	the bulb in the first place.


Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


You will get what you deserve.


You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.


You are capable of planning your future.


Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
	a delicious dessert.


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


You will pass away very quickly.


Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
		sunglasses?
A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
	soup in a plate?
A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


You will be married within a year.


I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
		-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
		   on the topic of school textbooks


Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain


Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.


Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A:	The impossible dream.


Today is what happened to yesterday.


Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant


Your supervisor is thinking about you.


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain


Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.


You have taken yourself too seriously.


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J. R. R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.


You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.


You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.


You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!


Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.


Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


You should go home.


You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Today is the last day of your life so far.


You will have a long and boring life.


Chicken Little was right.


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


Good day to let down old friends who need help.


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.


Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.


"Good afternoon, madam.  How may I help you?"

"Good afternoon.  I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."

"A--?  Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady.  I
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
say they have a right to.  But I think... I might... Let's have a look
down here.  I might have just the thing for you.  Yes, here we are!
Look at that, isn't it neat?  Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
them.  Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
tonne of iron around with you.  We do a range of matching accessories,
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster.  Wish I
got to do the fitting for that!  Ha -- just my little joke.  And
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
next battery.  Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
lessons at your local gun club or range.  Or there's the *special*
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
charged batteries and a night-sight, too.  Here, feel that -- don't
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat?  Feel how light it is?
Smooth, see?  No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
beautifully balanced.  And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
no recoil.  Because it's shooting light, you see?  Beautiful gun,
beautiful gun; my wife has one.  Really.  That's not a line, she
really has.  Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
one-forty-nine."

"I'll take the special."

"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice.  Now, do--?"

"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
rounds, not the signalers.  I assume the night-sight on this toy is
compatible?"

"Aah... yes,  And how does madam wish to pay?"

She slapped her credit card on the counter.  "Eventually."

		-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"


Your step will soil many countries.