Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.


Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.


You will be divorced within a year.


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.


Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
	sheep bites you?
A:	Ewe nicks.


Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.


Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.


Everything will be just tickety-boo today.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will be surprised by a loud noise.


I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
	bottles into the typewriter.


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.


Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.


You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."


Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.


When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"


Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.


Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.


Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain


You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.


You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.


Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.


Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


A morgue is a morgue is a morgue.  They can paint the walls with aggressively
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks.  Not that I
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed.  The relentless
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


You're a card which will have to be dealt with.


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


You will be surrounded by luxury.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.


You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe


Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
	a delicious dessert.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.


The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.


Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...


Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"


In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


You are going to have a new love affair.


Save energy: be apathetic.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You are always busy.


A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?


October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
	a delicious dessert.


Don't get to bragging.


You will have long and healthy life.


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"


	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
	"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"


You are capable of planning your future.


Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The application can work around it.

Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The user can figure it out.


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain


Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.


Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice


Good day to let down old friends who need help.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


Excellent day to have a rotten day.


You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.


While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.


Everything will be just tickety-boo today.


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.


Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You will pass away very quickly.


You will never know hunger.


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


You will not be elected to public office this year.


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


Exercise caution in your daily affairs.


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J. R. R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.


Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


Just to have it is enough.


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You have no real enemies.


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


Never look up when dragons fly overhead.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.


Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
		-- Mark Twain


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


You have been selected for a secret mission.


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


Your aim is high and to the right.


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


You're almost as happy as you think you are.


You will live to see your grandchildren.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


Cold hands, no gloves.


The time is right to make new friends.


Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.


Stay away from hurricanes for a while.


You are taking yourself far too seriously.


Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:	A corpse.


You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.


A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne


You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!


Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


Big book, big bore.
		-- Callimachus


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


Snow Day -- stay home.


Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:	A howdah duty.


Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
	of license fee (binary only).


Lord, what fools these mortals be!
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"


Reply hazy, ask again later.


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.


Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A:	One less drunk.


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


Save energy: be apathetic.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


You are magnetic in your bearing.


You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.


Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
	does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
	can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the
	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The application can work around it.

Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The user can figure it out.


Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!


You're almost as happy as you think you are.


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Beware the one behind you.


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain


AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.


You will be misunderstood by everyone.


Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.


Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
	visiting, they always take three.


Cold hands, no gloves.


You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.


Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"


Caution: Keep out of reach of children.


Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"


But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


You will never know hunger.


Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler


Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.


The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.


Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


You are capable of planning your future.


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.


My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.


Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:	With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
	a blue-elephant gun.


Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


"Good afternoon, madam.  How may I help you?"

"Good afternoon.  I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."

"A--?  Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady.  I
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
say they have a right to.  But I think... I might... Let's have a look
down here.  I might have just the thing for you.  Yes, here we are!
Look at that, isn't it neat?  Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
them.  Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
tonne of iron around with you.  We do a range of matching accessories,
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster.  Wish I
got to do the fitting for that!  Ha -- just my little joke.  And
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
next battery.  Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
lessons at your local gun club or range.  Or there's the *special*
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
charged batteries and a night-sight, too.  Here, feel that -- don't
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat?  Feel how light it is?
Smooth, see?  No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
beautifully balanced.  And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
no recoil.  Because it's shooting light, you see?  Beautiful gun,
beautiful gun; my wife has one.  Really.  That's not a line, she
really has.  Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
one-forty-nine."

"I'll take the special."

"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice.  Now, do--?"

"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
rounds, not the signalers.  I assume the night-sight on this toy is
compatible?"

"Aah... yes,  And how does madam wish to pay?"

She slapped her credit card on the counter.  "Eventually."

		-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"


The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
		-- Mark Twain


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
		-- T.S. Eliot


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.


You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.


Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare


Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.


Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.


Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.


There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:	A ball point carrot.


Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.


You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.


You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.


Good day to let down old friends who need help.


Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.


This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.


You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


You will step on the night soil of many countries.


Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.


The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Beware the one behind you.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You will live to see your grandchildren.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.


You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.


Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.


If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.


Many pages make a thick book.


An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


You are taking yourself far too seriously.


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.


No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
		-- Mark Twain


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


You will contract a rare disease.


And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?


You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things.  It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.


Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.


Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain


After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!


Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.


Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.


Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


You'll never be the man your mother was!


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


You are number 6!  Who is number one?


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


You will get what you deserve.


Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"


Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.


Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.


Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"


Chicken Little was right.


You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.


You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.


Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.


Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.


Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
		-- Shakespeare


Your step will soil many countries.


You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.


Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


Q:	What is purple and conquered the world?
A:	Alexander the Grape.


You have a truly strong individuality.


You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?


You should go home.


Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.


Blow it out your ear.


Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.


Snow Day -- stay home.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain


You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.


There was a phone call for you.


Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain


You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.


People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.


It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.


Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


What happened last night can happen again.


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


Snow Day -- stay home.


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
	New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.


You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.


Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
	soup in a plate?
A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.


You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.


Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.


Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)


Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.


Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain


You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.


You are capable of planning your future.


You will get what you deserve.


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Q:	What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A:	A dinner party.


April 1

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.


Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.


I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
		-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
		   on the topic of school textbooks


You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
	does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
	can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the
	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."


You fill a much-needed gap.


Your love life will be happy and harmonious.


You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.


Chess tonight.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project
	and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain


You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.


Reply hazy, ask again later.


You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.


Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."


Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"


You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
	lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski

	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
	feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
	-- by Homer

	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.


You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."


Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


You're at the end of the road again.


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.


You are magnetic in your bearing.


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


You will outgrow your usefulness.


Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.


You will be awarded some great honor.


Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.


Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"


Be different: conform.


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:	The Titanic had a band.


You will never know hunger.


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"


You are fairminded, just and loving.


You will be run over by a beer truck.


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.


No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.


You will gain money by an immoral action.


Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.


A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?


You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain


Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"


Advancement in position.


You are fairminded, just and loving.


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Make a wish, it might come true.


You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.


Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.


The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain


Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.


Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.


You are taking yourself far too seriously.


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


You enjoy the company of other people.


You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.


You will gain money by an illegal action.


Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.


Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.


Today is what happened to yesterday.


Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.


You will feel hungry again in another hour.


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...


Never reveal your best argument.


You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.


Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:	"Who's there?"
Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Excellent time to become a missing person.


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain


You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.


You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.


A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.


Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain


You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.


In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
		-- Mark Twain


Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?


You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.


You will get what you deserve.


Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain


It's all in the mind, ya know.


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What do monsters eat?
A:	Things.

Q:	What do monsters drink?
A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)


There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway


Blow it out your ear.


Advancement in position.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


It was all so different before everything changed.


You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.


There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.


Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.


All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain


The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
		-- John Milton


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain


Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?


You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.


There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.


Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.


Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.


A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.


You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.


Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!


Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde


If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
		-- Mark Twain


When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"


Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.


For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.


You are always busy.


Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.


Your present plans will be successful.


Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]


You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


You will gain money by an illegal action.


But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.


You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.


Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.


April 1

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system overview.]


Fortune

Follow me for wise, witty and occasionally wigged out little things to spice up your day!  I will send a new fortune every 30 minutes!


Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You look tired.


Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


Never give an inch!


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain


Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
		-- Shakespeare


Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:	2 bits.


The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.


You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.


Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.


Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"


You will be misunderstood by everyone.


Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.


To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra


You will be married within a year.


Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.


You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.


You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.


You are capable of planning your future.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.


You will become rich and famous unless you don't.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.


"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.


Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde


You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.


You teach best what you most need to learn.


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


You will inherit millions of dollars.


Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.


Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.


Well hello there.  I am feeling very fortunate!  And I will begin today to share that fortune with YOU!  Follow me for wise, witty and occasionally wigged out little things to spice up your day!