A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J. R. R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


You are magnetic in your bearing.


Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.


Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.


Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.


Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.


You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Your love life will be happy and harmonious.


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


You will contract a rare disease.


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


Your lucky number has been disconnected.


You are fairminded, just and loving.


Your present plans will be successful.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.


You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.


Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


You are confused; but this is your normal state.


You will have a long and boring life.


Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.


Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.


You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.


Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:	Because that was her name.


Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.


You will wish you hadn't.


Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.


Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when
	you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:	A howdah duty.


Stay away from flying saucers today.


You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.


Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.


Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


Never reveal your best argument.


The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain


Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
advice, it is merely custom.
		-- Mark Twain


No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes


All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain


Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.


Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
		-- Shakespeare


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain


You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.


Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).


You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.


So this is it.  We're going to die.


You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.


For a light heart lives long.
		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


You are number 6!  Who is number one?


You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.


You are going to have a new love affair.


For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"


You will not be elected to public office this year.


Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
A:	One leg is both the same.


You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare


When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Do not overtax your powers.


"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare


Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain


Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.


You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.


All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.


Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).


Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
	lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:	A failure.


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
	to the earlier joke.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.


Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
	bottles into the typewriter.


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A:	Go west, young man, go west!
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?


You are going to have a new love affair.


Look afar and see the end from the beginning.


Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.


You look tired.


Too much is just enough.
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey


You will be run over by a beer truck.


You are always busy.


Exercise caution in your daily affairs.


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]


Your lucky color has faded.


Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"


	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"


"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


Don't Worry, Be Happy.
		-- Meher Baba


Stay the curse.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.


Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.


Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:	Open other end.


You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.


The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV


Your lucky number has been disconnected.


It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:	With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
	a blue-elephant gun.


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
		-- T.S. Eliot


Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.


People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.


You will gain money by an immoral action.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."


You will contract a rare disease.


When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"


Be careful!  Is it classified?


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


Just to have it is enough.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain


His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"


The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.


You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.


All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.


Your business will assume vast proportions.


Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.


Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:	Because that was her name.


Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.


You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.


So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote


Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.


You will gain money by a fattening action.


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?


Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
	bottles into the typewriter.


Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


The time is right to make new friends.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.


You will contract a rare disease.


For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.


After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.


Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One and a half.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.


Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.


For a light heart lives long.
		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"


Be different: conform.


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain


Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?


The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Never give an inch!


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


You will forget that you ever knew me.


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.


You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"


Your domestic life may be harmonious.


Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.


You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.


Blow it out your ear.


You have taken yourself too seriously.


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.


What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
	of the way.


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
		-- Mark Twain


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.


It was all so different before everything changed.


Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
		-- Shakespeare


"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


You are capable of planning your future.


You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.


You will be misunderstood by everyone.


Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.


Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.


The better part of valor is discretion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:	You can't get down off an elephant.


You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain


You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.


Knock, knock!
	Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
	Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...


Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.


Advancement in position.


Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?


Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.


You have no real enemies.


Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	He was giving it last rites.


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar


Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.


You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.


Never reveal your best argument.


	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


You're almost as happy as you think you are.


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.


Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy


Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Excellent time to become a missing person.


If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.


Courage is your greatest present need.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.


The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.


In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
		   novel.


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.


	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round.  Usurper.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"


Big book, big bore.
		-- Callimachus


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!


You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.


Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)


You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.


You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!


Q:	What is purple and commutes?
A:	An Abelian grape.


Don't read everything you believe.


The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system overview.]


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


You are taking yourself far too seriously.


Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
		-- Mark Twain


The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal


Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.


Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.


Many pages make a thick book.


You will gain money by an immoral action.


The better part of valor is discretion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
	sheep bites you?
A:	Ewe nicks.


A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


Don't get to bragging.


That secret you've been guarding, isn't.


You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:	To be or not to be.
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
	Californians trying to share the experience.


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.


Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.


Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"


Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.


Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


Your lucky color has faded.


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.


Are you sure the back door is locked?


You will feel hungry again in another hour.


You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.


You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.


Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.


Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.


Domestic happiness and faithful friends.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.


The time is right to make new friends.


Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?


Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"


Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A:	Lawn Boy.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.


You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.


Today is the last day of your life so far.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
	plays like a monkey?
A:	Nothing.


You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


Never give an inch!


You will be run over by a bus.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.


You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.


You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain


Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!


Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.


Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.


Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
		sunglasses?
A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.


You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.


Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.


You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.


A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.


They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
		-- Mark Twain


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.


Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:	With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
	a blue-elephant gun.


Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler


Cold hands, no gloves.


Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.


Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.


It's all in the mind, ya know.


Your love life will be happy and harmonious.


You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


You will be run over by a beer truck.


Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.


The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.


Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.


"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"


Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
		-- Samuel Johnson


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


Your domestic life may be harmonious.


Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
	gets all the credit.


You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.


Your supervisor is thinking about you.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.


You are going to have a new love affair.


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."


You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.


There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.


	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
	"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"


Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.


Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.


Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.


They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You look tired.


You too can wear a nose mitten.


Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.


Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.


Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.


You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.


Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.


Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.


Many pages make a thick book.


If you can read this, you're too close.


You will be surprised by a loud noise.


Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:	How long does it take?
A:	It's indeterminate.
	It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:	They replace your generator.


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.


You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.


A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"


Excellent day to have a rotten day.


Your lucky number has been disconnected.


You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.


Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.


You will be divorced within a year.


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Are you a turtle?


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.


Stay the curse.


The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain


Snow Day -- stay home.


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.


You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.


You will engage in a profitable business activity.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"


You have no real enemies.


What happened last night can happen again.


Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes


Chicken Little was right.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


It's all in the mind, ya know.


Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.


Your lucky number has been disconnected.


Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:	The very best person they can possibly be.


You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.


You'll never be the man your mother was!


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
	you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...


Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.


Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.


Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.


If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Advancement in position.


Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.


Break into jail and claim police brutality.


You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.


You'll be sorry...


Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.


Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".


You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.


Change your thoughts and you change your world.


Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain


Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


Just to have it is enough.


How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


You have no real enemies.


No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.


Avoid reality at all costs.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You are capable of planning your future.


There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.  Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to.  Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink
	it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
	visiting, they always take three.


As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"


Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:	Chewing gum.


You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.


You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.


Excellent time to become a missing person.


Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:	To get to the other slide.


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.


Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.


What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.


You will be held hostage by a radical group.


Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
	soup in a plate?
A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


Stay away from flying saucers today.


Don't feed the bats tonight.


Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.


The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
		-- Mark Twain


You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.


Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:	A dope ring.

Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:	To cover up the valve stem.


You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.


It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
		-- Mark Twain


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.


Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.


It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"


Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.


You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.


Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.


Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.


When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant


The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
		-- John Milton


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
A:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?


You too can wear a nose mitten.


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following.  The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation.  Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.


Excellent time to become a missing person.


You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"


Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.


Every why hath a wherefore.
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"


Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
possess.
		-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]


You will live to see your grandchildren.


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.


If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.


Your lucky color has faded.


Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


You enjoy the company of other people.


"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain


Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain


You have many friends and very few living enemies.


Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.


O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2


You now have Asian Flu.


Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien


All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain


Give him an evasive answer.


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...


Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:	Open other end.


Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.


This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.


Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
	done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.


Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.


The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.


Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?


You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.


Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.


Q:	Are we not men?
A:	We are Vaxen.


You will be run over by a bus.


You need more time; and you probably always will.


You love your home and want it to be beautiful.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.


You look tired.


You teach best what you most need to learn.


Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


Today is the last day of your life so far.


Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:	A doberman.


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain


How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"


As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
		-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"


The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


You'll never be the man your mother was!


Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


You may be recognized soon.  Hide.


You will be run over by a beer truck.


You will never know hunger.


Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
	to really want to change.


Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:	Not enough sand.


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
A:	Go west, young man, go west!
Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?


You now have Asian Flu.


There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.


O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
		-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"


You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare


In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain


You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.


You will be run over by a beer truck.


You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


You're a card which will have to be dealt with.


Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare


You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


Beware of low-flying butterflies.


Q:	What is the difference between a duck?
A:	One leg is both the same.


Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:	A canary with the super-user password.


You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.


Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:	So they can dress like pimps.


Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.


A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).


For a light heart lives long.
		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"


You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.


O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
		-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"


Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	One and a half.


Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
		-- Mark Twain


You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"


You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."


Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:	To get to the middle.


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.


This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
		-- Arthur Clarke


At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats


Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84


Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"


Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.


After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare


You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.


Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax


You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.


Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.


Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...


You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.


Stay the curse.


Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.


Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.


Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.


You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow


I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
		-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
		   on the topic of school textbooks


Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.


Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.


Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987


You now have Asian Flu.


When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


Be cautious in your daily affairs.


Q:	How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:	How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The application can work around it.

Q:	How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:	How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	None.  The user can figure it out.


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"


Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.


Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:	He changes the domain.


You have a truly strong individuality.


You fill a much-needed gap.


Slow day.  Practice crawling.


Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.


Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?


You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.


You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.


Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
	Oh, right, *of course*!


He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll


Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.


He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"


You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.


Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!


By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:	A stick.


You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.


Your lover will never wish to leave you.


Look afar and see the end from the beginning.


Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.


Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:	A nervous wreck.


To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


You may be recognized soon.  Hide.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Keep it short for pithy sake.


Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.


Caution: Keep out of reach of children.


Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.


English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse


Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A:	Because he was hungry.


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
	itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
	reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
	maudlin cosmos of nothingness.


A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.


Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain


Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain


You enjoy the company of other people.


Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain


Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:	Throw him a rock.


Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.


Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't read everything you believe.


Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.


Stay away from flying saucers today.


The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"


Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!


"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien


Q:	How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:	Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:	How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	The door won't shut.

Q:	How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:	There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.


Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain


You will gain money by an immoral action.


Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?


Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.


You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.


Q:	How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
	GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
	of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
	left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
	consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".


Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.


You are confused; but this is your normal state.


Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.


... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain


You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.


When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"


Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:	Yogurt has culture.


You have a truly strong individuality.


Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


You will live to see your grandchildren.


Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.


"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.


I do desire we may be better strangers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"


All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
		-- Samuel Beckett


Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"


Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
	lawyer in the road?
A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.


Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.


A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.


Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"


Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"


What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll


You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.


When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Chess tonight.


Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which
	doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:	He changes the domain.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme


Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
		experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
		light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
		those Californians trying to share the experience.


You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.


Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.


Courage is your greatest present need.


Be careful!  Is it classified?


Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


What happened last night can happen again.