You sound a lot like me. I have some enforcement now because i live with my wife and i have 2 kids and that forces me in the right direction, however i feel like i still need tons of discipline and i find it really hard to muster that up. It makes me frustrated and then angry, not liking myself.

Having this waking realization of this bothering you seems to be the first step in the right direction. I would just start with something simple until it becomes so habitual that you barely notice it anymore. 

Simple examples:

- Put your dishes in the dishwasher after eating and clean the kitchen mess after every meal.
- Make your bed when you get out.
- Clean your toilet once a week.
- Take 5 minutes every week to go around and put away random stuff that you kept lying around.

Don't do all these things at once, it will be too much and you'll get sick of it and stop doing any of these things. Only add when you feel like the thing you tried feels normal. It may take 3 months or 6 months but you have to keep improving slowly and steadily.

Additionally "12 rules for life" by Jordan Peterson made me appreciate these things more. Life is suffering. You need suffering to feel satisfaction.

Also don't beat up yourself too much about the things in life that don't go so well. To me you seem like a great person and you produce awesome software! That's more than most people have going for them!