Look, I am truly happy for you and everyone else who can weather this current evironment. But some people are not in a good place finacially, and some of us are in that position through no fault of our own. Try losing a very good career over a injection mandate and not being able to do what you have done for two decades because the entire semiconductor industry is jab happy and having to resort to a fucking part time dishwasher job to barely pay the bills. So next time you want to talk down to someone, maybe take a step back and know the whole story.
When putting onchain UTXO's into cold storage you need to lower your time preferance. Why are they going into cold storage? Because they won't be spent for a long time. So give it some time. Now you know that you need larger UTXO's after your force close, wait till you get fees that you think are reasonable to send into whirlpool. With a bit of wizardry in LN and you don't really need to coinjoin. But now might not be the best time to be opening channels. BTW I worked as a dishwasher for years. Put on bitcoin podcasts or audiobooks so you can learn at the same time (which offsets the low pay).
Do you really think I dont know all this? Im annoyed with fees, not lacking knowledge.