I'm sorry for your suffering.

I've found that focusing on knowing God and who He is and His plan for eternity helps.  When we are worrying about what is right for us and what we should do, we are focusing selfishly.  It isn't till we are 100% focused on God and until we really understand what an awesome, creator God we serve that our own lives and the direction for them falls in place.

It is a little like a person who desperately wants a spouse and is searching frantically.  They will never find the right one.  When they give up searching for someone to make them complete, suddenly that right person enters their life unexpected.

Focus on God first and everything else you need falls into place.

This is a post that you might find comforting:

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/sufferings-of-this-present-time-are

More posts that might be an encouragement if you have time. (I tried to put them in order from most relevent to least):

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/an-infinite-god

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/a-change-of-heart

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/abide-in-the-vine

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/god-answers-seemingly-unanswered

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/walk-in-the-light

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/conversation-with-god

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/psalm-19

https://trustjesus.substack.com/p/mind-of-christ