When putting onchain UTXO's into cold storage you need to lower your time preferance. Why are they going into cold storage? Because they won't be spent for a long time. So give it some time.

Now you know that you need larger UTXO's after your force close, wait till you get fees that you think are reasonable to send into whirlpool.

With a bit of wizardry in LN and you don't really need to coinjoin. But now might not be the best time to be opening channels.

BTW I worked as a dishwasher for years. Put on bitcoin podcasts or audiobooks so you can learn at the same time (which offsets the low pay). 

 Do you really think I dont know all this? Im annoyed with fees, not lacking knowledge.