So, last night I woke up at 2 am from a nightmare to a panic attack in which I believed I could hear someone attempting to rip my screen door off it's hinges and break into my house. I had my hand on my gun and the only thing that calmed me was the fact that my dog hadn't woken up. 

I am trying so hard to allow myself to be sad and not revert to overboiling anger. I was using alcohol to calm myself and it was ruining my sleep, putting me on edge the next day and progressively getting worse and culminating in panic attacks. I have to be in control again.

I've said what I needed to say and left more unsaid that I regret not sharing when I had the opportunity to. I'm not going to get a do over. I just wish closure was a state of mind that I could actually reach.