It turns out that trying to run a VPN on a horribly intermittent mobile connection only makes it worse by blocking whatever little traffic you may have been able to get through without trying to reestablish the tunnel. 🫠
VPN protocols introduce a hefty overhead that is often overlooked. A workaround is to use a proxy server (socks5, http) that you control and have _that_ be the VPN. Gluetun can do that - it saves some of the overhead, but isn't as encapsulated, mind you. Still, gets the job done. Carriers only see one constant connection, and that's it. fly.io offers a free VM-thing - this should have ample resources to run this =)
It requires a bit of a pipe and you're dealing with a coffee stirrer.