2nd in the series about when my (much) younger brother asked me for some life advice years after our dad passed away (he was just 11 at the time)


2. Treat yourself, and others, as a good coach would

Some of my greatest mentors have been people who’ve took me aside when I did something foolish and explained to me what the impact of my actions was, and what the likely impact would be if I continued. 

It was hard to hear. But nowhere near as hard as not hearing would have been. 

A mentor grows people as a gardener grow plants. They understand that the water of wisdom must be complimented with the sunlight of compassion and are vigilant to uproot the weeds of blame. 

Weeds can overwhelm a well laid garden just as blame can overwhelm well intentioned advice. 

For years I applied this knowledge to others but not myself. I blamed myself harshly, reserving the worst standard of coaching for myself and forgetting that I was subject to the same rules of how people grow: by the water of wisdom, the sunlight of compassion and free from the overwhelming weeds of blame. 

Sometimes I still catch myself speaking harsh words to myself that I would never utter to a friend, or even an enemy! In these moments I ask myself “do I want to be responsible for limiting my own growth?” “Do I want to discriminate against one person, me, and give this one person the worst of me?” “Is this what I would I say if I cared for someone and wanted to help them grow?” These questions are enough to end self-blame. This does not mean “do not criticise”. There are times when compassion demands that we voice a criticism, but in order that this criticism does not harden into blame, it should come only from the lips, not from the heart. 

As for blaming and complaining of others and of event, it is only possible to blame when awareness is low. When awareness is high, blaming ends. For example: many times I’ve run a process in workshops where people share their life story. When people are aware of a fuller picture of a person, blaming and complaining ends. It’s not an intellectual decision, blaming and complaining subsides spontaneously as awareness increases. 

Meditation is the most effective tool i have found to increase awareness. Which is why it is said that people after a period of meditating report that compassion rises and the complaining mind subsides.