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all right, so i did that. read the Gospel of John again i mean (i have never been clear on what praying is so i suppose reading the Gospels constitutes a form of prayer). and i had an epiphany or a revelation, what have you.

it occurred to me that i will probably not get what i want out of this life. what i want is at odds with the kind of person i am; i am simply too peculiar. the kinds of people who have those things that i want? yeah i am nothing like them. this suggests that i have nurtured these desires in vain. i would not have me the way that i actually am. were it up to me, i would be someone completely different. it hurts to face that, however rigorous my ‘self-improvement’ regimen, that this is beyond my power. it further suggests that i am here to do the will of Him that sent me since my own will repeatedly comes to nothing.

i’m not really happy to learn any of this but it does feel like it lifted a weight offa me.

https://i.poastcdn.org/b69005f2697413c339feb47b2fa9f8e9e705a95567f5a45133e0fa179c70fecb.gif