3...2...1:

"We regret to announce that those damn MAG- no wait, those damn Russki- no, um, those damn Iranians - yeah that's right, the Iranians - have hacked Coinbase and stolen the entirety of the wealth of the United States Government.

Therefore, please know that all government services are to be curtailed immediately, except for the following:

the miitary/deep state - naturally. we have to bomb those Iranians back to the stone age for stealing your social security

the capitol and white house - we need trusted leadership to get us through these hard times

Israel - cuz God.

"We" are all in this together. Please gather all your belongings and put them on the sidewalk curb where they will be collected by the miitary to aid in our fight for reveng- um, for democracy! anyone failing to cede their belongings will be executed on sight. We can't all be hoarders - oops, I mean that YOU can't be hoarders now.

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