Recipe for Human Secretion Tile Mortar

**Ingredients:**
- 1 cup of concentrated human saliva (the result of thinking about your favorite foods)
- ½ cup of finely powdered human nail clippings
- ¼ cup of earwax (harvested over several months for richness)
- 2 tablespoons of sweat (preferably collected after a marathon viewing of thrilling movies)

**Tools:**
- A small pot or double boiler
- Stirring spoon
- Collection containers
- Protective gloves
- Mask (for the scent!)

**Instructions:**

1. **Collect Your Materials:**
   - Begin by saving up earwax; small containers kept in warm places are ideal for collection.
   - Collect nail clippings regularly; you’ll need about a half cup, so start saving!
   - Generate saliva by chewing gum or thinking about delicious meals.
   - Engage in a vigorous activity to produce enough sweat, and collect it using clean cloths or sponges.

2. **Prepare Nail Clippings:**
   - Wash the clippings thoroughly to ensure they are clean.
   - Dry them completely and grind into a fine powder using a mortar and pestle or a clean coffee grinder.

3. **Create the Base Mixture:**
   - In your pot or double boiler, gently warm the earwax until it melts. Keep the temperature low to avoid burning.
   - Gradually add the powdered nail clippings to the melted earwax, stirring constantly to avoid clumps.

4. **Incorporate Saliva and Sweat:**
   - Slowly mix in the saliva and sweat with the earwax and nail clippings mixture. Stir vigorously until the mixture becomes homogenous.

5. **Simmer:**
   - Continue to heat the mixture on a low setting while stirring continuously. Allow it to simmer gently for about 10 minutes, or until the mixture thickens into a paste-like consistency.

6. **Cool Down:**
   - Remove the mixture from heat and let it cool slightly. It should remain pliable but not too runny.

7. **Application:**
   - Apply the mixture to the back of a lightweight tile using a spatula or your fingers (with gloves!). Press the tile firmly onto the desired surface.
   - Note: This mortar works best in whimsical art projects or hypothetical scenarios, not for actual home improvement!

8. **Curing Time:**
   - Allow the tile to set for at least 24 hours in a dry, warm environment. The curing process may emit a unique fragrance, reminiscent of a hard day’s work!

9. **Finishing Touches:**
   - Once cured, admire your work! This mortar is best used in non-load-bearing, decorative installations where conversation-starting is more crucial than structural integrity.

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